I'm Their Mommy

Each Night I'm in the Chair

2012-01-22T01:27:00.001-06:00

Right before I pop out of Papa's chair (and which its a really old recliner, you need 2 pillows behind your back to sit up enough to view the t.v. properyly really, it's great for laptop work I think) each night I spend the night at Moms I say a little something to him. It's not that I 'feel' him here, or hope/think he is a ghost or even think he can hear me where ever he may be. I don't know the reasoning behind it. I just do.

Ley asked me the other day if I thought Papa was a ghost and she was starting to get upset when I said I hope not. I had to explain to her that although I would love to feel him around, I would want him to move on and be at peace, not have to be stuck here watching us live without him. Then I had to use Harry Potter ghosts as a reference and I was set. She agrees now.

Loe, the poor bug. She has her ups and downs and we can see it in her school agenda. When she is having a 'I miss my Papa' day its a bad day at school (week really, for just one bad day of missing Papa, its a bad week it seems like). This past week, when Ley made her ghost comment, Loe asked if maybe he could still come back. Breaking the news that no, not ever, just makes me want to crawl in a hole and cry for a year.

I am moving on the 31st, Waiting until the very last day. With Housing they make it all difficult so everything is drug out and I have to spend money I don't have because they 'lost' another paper when they got rid of tons of case workers in lui everyone having 6, just different jobs, say I call A for moving, B for help with Electric (HA, they give me $20 on a $160 light bill. Thanks.... Well I mean that is $20 I don't have to pay though so im not unthankful) C for somethingelse, but it really is 6. Way to make it simple guys.

Ok, it's 2am and I need to get up at 9 to finish more getting Papa's business in order to sell it. Yay. (Sarcasm enough to cut the world) I am on pills to curb my emotions (zoloft) which are seemingly working yes?

- Posted using MyBrain

I miss him

2012-01-16T22:20:00.001-06:00

I miss my Papa.

My Stepdad died tuesday. He was 50 and otherwise healthy. I may of been annoyed with him SO so many times, but I did love him. Did I tell him enough? Loe has known him her entire life. I stayed at my Moms house for a week. I stayed in his chair for 3 days. I needed to tell him more things. I needed to tell him what he meant to me. I needed to call him Dad so he knew that even though sometimes I got annoyed and irritated I did consider him my Dad. I feel guilty for that, but I cant help it. I need to have my ally in the war against my Mom/brother back. I want to watch football and tell him how much I love Brantley just to hear him complain how terrible he is. I need to watch the crazy weird tv shows like Moonshine & Black Gold.

I need my Dad back.

This little life of mine

2011-12-14T21:09:00.001-06:00

It all started with a joke.

So there is this totally tight band.. And they are scottish. I know right! So I am planning on going to their concert in Feb. Feb 4th to be exact. Since they are not that known I don't know when I will get the chance. Hey its a good excuse. :D So I have been going to the gym to lose the weight I want so that I will have the confidence to hopefully have the chance to meet the band (!) and get a picture. Which leads to teasing Ley.

Why? Because I can! She really thought I would take a 10 year old to a concert. So I was teasing her that I would just leave with the lead singer to Scotland after the concert. She is fine with it as long as I stop to get her first. Yeah. It's been that kind of week.

So now I have to deal with the fall out of her continuing to say she wants to go to Scotland when she is about to go to Georgia for Christmas Eve, well the week before and Christmas Eve.

Loey has been stumping her teacher and I. She has not been finishing her work in school. Not even a letter to Santa. For some reason she just wont finish it. She doesn't even want to tell her teacher why. It is frustrating us to the extremes. We have had her talk to counselors -nothing. Homework is no problem. She isn't acting out, no other problems, it only started about 2 weeks ago too. I can't figure out what might have triggered this.

Why is parenting so difficult?

Maybe it's me.

2011-12-08T13:04:00.000-06:00

Maybe I am the problem with my family. They seem to get along fine without me. Only when I state my opinion do problems arise. What is it about me that causes arguments with anyone in my family? When im with my om or brother its all we seem to do.. All they seem to want to do is get me to do something I don't want to do. Which is usually at my Moms house which even though is 3 streets down is exhausting. I want to be home. I am starting to think 1000 miles away was a good distance. The girls and I have had our schedule screwed because she keeps wanting us to come over and I put my foot down, and then they say I am moody.

So now I havent seen my Mom or brother in days (because its one with the other) and frankly the girls and I are doing good. I found 2 new bands. Well 1 I found months ago. Awolnation. The other I found a week ago, Twin Atlantic. Sigh, dreamy sigh. Scottish guys. Accents galor.

Other than all that drama, me trying to find a new house, packing again for the 2nd time in 2 years and Loe not completing her work at school so much that I have to go in to talk to her teachers, Ley being mean, but having a blast other wise, Christmas fast approaching- too fast in my opinion- I may keep my head.

Keep me in your thoughts. I hope to have a new house, but with the rent limit they gave me i am being laughed out of town. I am being severely tempted back to Texas (hell if I could do it, I would be out of the u.s.).

- Posted using MyBrain

My dream

2011-11-29T14:33:00.001-06:00

I have this recurring dream where I am with this guy and we are trying to meet back up. We are split up in a a house that is split by a pool in a deck/patio pool that i guess maybe the half I am in is the main house and the part he is in is a completely different house. ANY way.

For some odd reason I am scared deeply of something in my part of the house (and last night it was some creepy girl I finally caught a sight of) and I creep past the pool part to get to the loooooong board walk that goes over trees and water and connects to his part, yet I never make it because for many multiple reasons I find myself back in my house part.

I've seen the guy before. He's made it to the pool and I was right inside the door but it wouldn't open but we could talk to each other. I don't remember the specifics of his face when I wake though.
I also find real life events makings its way into newer versions of this dream. I've written it down so many times I can see the paths it taken its scary. This is the first time today o have seen the full little girl (i've seen her leg and hair in passing, and me running from her) and my dog Bella made an appearance.

I hate this dream sometimes because it stays itching on my mind all day when I have it. Like it will today. Then I will go to sleep tonight hoping I will dream of it so that maybe I will reach him and find out why we are there.

11-12 New school year!.. It's half over already?

2011-11-23T17:19:00.001-06:00

My children as of late have NOT been listening to a thing I say. I tell them normal chores, yet they don't hear so punishments. Loe's room has been a disaster area for some time now. I went and helped with 85% of it and the last bit would of take maybe 5 minutes since most of it was two pillows trash and small toys. So I gave her 20 minutes to finish and when she was done to come tell me and if any toys/clothing were left they were going to Goodwill and she would be in time out of lying about nothing being on the floor. Pause for a full minute to take in the full effect. She comes out, tells me the floor is empty so I go in. Two things had been picked up but the rest was still there. She lied to my face. To my face. I let Ley pick one of the toys and Loe watched and I picked out the toys and clothes and threw the rest in the trash. Ley's room took a quick 'hold on mom let me go check' and it was clean. So now I have gotten a lot more strict with them to I guess put forth the idea I'm not messing around and the need to listen.

I tried the examples of them not listening and someone kidnapping them or a car hitting them. They do know they can't go to Universal (even though we have season passes)until I know they will listen to me 97%(cuz let's be honest I need to know they will listen on the important stuff their kids)but I told them 100% because I will not risk something happening to them.

They love their new school. 1st grade is amazing, they have these papers that are filled with simple math problems they have to do within a minute. Ley could never complete one. Loe not only completed it she did it without and wrong answers! So it looks like Loe is our math bug and Ley is out spelling/reading. Which 5th grade..... Ahhhhhh. She is in loooooove with her homeroom teacher! They change class 3 times (but the class stays together) and their homeroom teacher loves baseball. There will be a dance (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, at the end of the year), a science project, quite a few field trips and something I'm leaving out.... I'll fill it in later. I'm so happy I made sure to transfer them. I have to drive 20 minutes to get them there and we wake at an ungodly 6:30 a.m. But it is so worth it!

- Posted using MyBrain

Talking with your child about bullying...

2011-09-18T22:08:00.001-05:00

I have talked with Ley multiple times about being a bully and being bullied and seeing someone bullied. 3 different scenarios. 3 different reactions. Then discipline possibilities. My problem was trying to figure out how to talk with her and make sure she continues to make the right decisions and not be afraid to talk with me (or an adult) about it if it flipped and she started to be a bully. Let me start over.

First lets get the obvious easy out of the way. Ley with her little sister at home is a commanding boss, but is amazingly protective of her anywhere out of the house and my sight. She is the same with any other child. Which I find even when I am not around from notes from her teachers and casual conversations with her classmates parents. She is a cheerleader who cheers everyone on and really from the heart wants to be friends with every body.

The 3 scenarios are we all know 1- Ley being a bully, 2- Ley being bullied, 3- Ley seeing someone else being bullied. The 3 reactions are 1- Saying nothing, 2- Fight back, 3- Tell someone/speak up
Then discipline. Ugh, that tends to make any child want to clam up.
So our talk pretty much goes along these lines:

About her being bullied:
If she is being bullied she would speak up. She would tell someone, she would let me know. She would tell a trusted friend and adult. She knows that no matter how bad it gets and no matter what they say I will hear what she has to say - hands down no blame get to the bottom of this first. I still worry though. Even with her being all cheer, I can use that as a verb, she is shy at times. She accepted such extreme fights from her friend the last month we were there just because the only other neighborhood kids were boys. I had to block pretty much all contact with this little girl with us either being gone all the time or the house extremely full because when we were home, even if Ley told her no she didn't want to play, she would play with the kids next door and taunt Ley. So I brought my cousins 3 daughters over every single chance I could and there was no shortage of quiet. None.

About her seeing someone else being bullied:
Well this has happened recently. One of her newest friends was being bullied by some kid that I don't even remember the back story. Ley stepped in and grabbed her friends hand and told kid that they had to go to the office so if he wanted to come with or "would he like her to call the doctor". (My god I love my child)Apparently there was another classmates parent walking up a connecting hallway the same time and caught it when Ley stepped in. The kid looked confused when she said the Doctor bit. :D So I have no doubt of her looking out of others.

Now the hardest of all. Her bulling.
The problem is the punishment. When we talk about it i try to say "you know, you can tell me". Then of course later in the conversation I say (it usually ends up after we have talked about a teen that has killed themselves over being bullied) I would end her internet, cell, cheer, anything fun, etc., she would be in so much trouble if she bullied someone. But then I stop. I tell her I want her to tell me if she has, but that she will get a punishment. Of course she will, i'm not going to lie to her. It's just then it pops into my mind,
shit, did I just mess this all up? If she does this will she hide it from me even if she regrets it because she doesn't want to get in trouble? I know I would of when I was a teen.

And this is where I am at. I tell her truthfully. How do I make sure I make the right choices in the words I choose when we talk? I know full well that what I say to her goes straight to her sister because what her sister wasn't sitting in with, she will talk to her about. How do I make sure I am doing this right?

And then I go to open house and find Loe punched a boy in the face because he was making fun of her.. Full circle I have come.

Be me, but not me. What?

2011-09-07T23:15:00.002-05:00

Stay with me on this. I do have a point. A little background first.

I went to the Doctor for migraines on the 16th and got a preventative and 3 different scripts for when it breaks through the prevent. The prevent is $88, the Doc appointment is $60. I have no insurance.
Another bit of background. The migraine stopper the Doc wants me to have, 2 of them, are $500, monthly. I had a Doc appointment tomorrow.

So little brother is pretty much back to himself. Yay. Really. I am so happy for him. He has like 4 more out patient appointments in Winterhaven I have to take him to then he is done.

Yesterday though I noticed something. Apparently I cant be myself around family. Its starting to happen around my brother and Mom. We were sitting having lunch (im on a diet, they both know, and she keeps trying to bring me all this stuff, taco bell, huge sub)and they asked if i would go riding around the lake on the bike mom just bought for me. I said no because I am almost at the end of my preventatives and cant go to the next dr app so I dont know when I will be able to get them again and since I know what affects my head i am staying out of light and heat as much as possible.

They go into the the well if you try this and this and this bull shit. You know damn it, you think I haven't tried that? I have been to the gym every morning this week. Im working on my weight. I know Im fat, I know what I am but according to the Doctor WHICH your NOT its genetics not my fat ass. I guess me living far away has given them the opinion of me that I am always so happy. I don't know. I have no friends here. None. The only person I had to vent to was my Mom and that was altered when she and my Dad divorced. From then on I could only vent about anything but myself.

I dont really know what the point of this post is other than just a pity party. I have something to drive until my car is fixed and I am taking back Ex1 for the amount of child support he is suppose to be paying. My bills are paid in full. I think its the fact that I can't be myself around them anymore. Any time I get upset or angry or distant or anything other than happy they blame it on the migraine med's when all it is is me just dropping the front. Lil Bro knows i've been diagnosed as depressed. Well I guess I should say knew, even though he only doesn't remember the day of, and previous day of the accident.

I Guess this is how it will be know. Today was the first day of one of my Moms day off that she didn't call or come over. I. Well, either way things need to be done. I need to find money to pay the double price I will need to pay stepdad for cost & install on the car, and I have got to find an outfit for Ley for her first Chorus recital on the 16th!!!!

Hopefully more things will be solved tomorrow.

Sanity

2011-09-04T14:40:00.000-05:00

I think I was happier in Texas. I know the girl were. They say it to me al the time, reminding me as much as possible. The house we are in is falling in around us and I really don't think I will be renewing the lease even though with housing it is insanely hard and I am trying to work it out with Title 1 office so they stay in the school I have them transferred to. They have been transferred too many times so I need to do whatever I can to keep them where they are.

The yearly inspection is coming up anyway and I know the house will fail. I just barely brought it up to code and that right there should of been a warning then. I had to pay for pretty much everything but the a/c and even then I had to put a deposit on it and it didn't get that installed until the day we moved because he was scared someone would steal it. We thought it would be some new top of the line model. No. This thing has broken twice and the guy who he has fix it (unless I want to pay a guy to fix it) cant figure out how to have it where it switches off when it reaches the temp its set to. So its either on or off. He has been out here 4 times for it. My electric bill has been $260 for a less than 1000sq foot house.

I have every receipt we paid for each thing we used to fix up the house to get it ready for the inspection (since we would get $200 off deposit). AHHHHHHHHHH Im getting off topic. This house sucks. Quick run down
A. A/c doesn't work right (i cant pay a different guy to fix since I still have shit on my car to fix)
B. Oh so not insulated. Bugs crawl in everywhere.
C. Attic infested with (evil)spiders and rats
D. backyard is taken over with chickens. (dont really care but kids cant play back there cuz they chase them and all the crap, and Bella barks)
E. The neighbor 4 houses down has parties with music for effin loud every few days no matter what day of the week and it gets so loud i can hear the lyrics over the bass over my earphones which are maxed which my tv is up though my head is smushed between pillows.
F. There is only a shower. No bath.

I hate it.

Rant over because I need to go to the gym and run off some pissy-ness and listen to what Loe calls 'yelling music'.

My Baby

2011-08-04T21:29:00.000-05:00

My baby girl is 10 today. A whole decade. First year of double digits. Half the way to an adult. Last year in elementary school. This sucks.

I knew it was going to happen. I was there once. Excited to be another year older, that much closer to being teenage. Being on this side of it though is no fun at all. Since Leybug is still with her father for her summer visit all I got was phone calls. Totally still awesome since she called me multiple times. :) I feel the love! They were driving down from a northern state to Atlanta from their vacation. She had a blast and I loved hearing every word. Tomorrow they start the drive down here. I am finishing her cake tonight and Loe and I will be decking her room & hall with tons of pink streamers.

10 years go by in a flash.

Uh-Oh

2011-07-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just lose your self in a story? I do often. Which delays me in writing. Which brings me to today. So a quick update on LilBro. He is doing great. In the rehab center now finishing up what should be the last 2 weeks of being in a hospital. The bruise on his brain affected him a lot. The nurse I spoke about the last time was reprimanded. I can't gloat about it though because even now in a new hospital center he remembers the day when 'the person tied me down and drugged me'. No matter how many times we tell it that is what he remembers.
The drug she sedated him with (dilaudid, which spell check rightly so keeps trying to change to deluded) has had lasting effects. Last Wednesday, the day before he transferred to rehab, we were playing 'If I went camping' with Mom & his sitter (with his history of pulling his pic line, detaching his leads, ripping out the iv, attempting to pull the trach tube out even though it was stitched in and taking a walk down the halls at 2am, they rightly decided to have a paid pro sit in his room twenty-four hours a day). We were at K when he pulled our attention to the poles. His room on the 4th floor (where we were currently out from graduating from Trauma iCU) has a large metal square around his room with 4 posts, that is used for the thing people can help pull themselves up on. He tells us we need to be careful because the pole next to the sitter was warping a bending. He didn't want us to get hurt by it. Even though it had been a week since he had last had Dilaudid Mom remembered he had slight hallucinations like this before he was switched to Perocet.
So he has going through the ages with currently being at 15 or so. Not necessarily completely a 15 yr old and no memories after. He can remember up to 3 days before the accident. Its more competency and actions. Its weird to see it so obviously. There was a day when I saw Loe (6 1/2) in the way he acted. Recently a day when I say Ley (about to be 10) reflected. He had separation anxiety, which still flares a bit when Mom is the last one to leave. Which brings me to the point I started an hour ago. He has been so upset a few nights when Mom leaves. Upset to tears. He repeats he is scared he will be tied down again. I wish I could take the pain off of him.
On the ex-girlfriend side. wow. She proved it was all about her. Mom asked her to back off a bit, but she would still send her updates. "No, only if something happens or if he asks for me" Seriously. Since then Mom found it may be up to a year for him to be as close to pre-accident. Ex-girlfriend found out and BAM. All of us have been de-friended on FB, all but 1 picture of the two of them on her page has been deleted and she posts: I want to be somebody.. I want to just live and not feel like I have to make anyone happy.. its my turn.. don't even care what people say.. no one cared how I was treated.. so why worry
Quick answer huh. Now all over her page are people praying for her (not the broken supposed love of her life in the hospital) and saying poor her.
In rehab, which I don't even Foursquare at, he is further down the road. 2 weeks is his expected release in to the world. The world, his world is so drastically changed. I hope and pray it will all be fore the better.

Whole Blood UNITE!

2011-07-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

I know i've said it on twitter but in a case of I can't find and so probable redundance, lilbro and I refer to each other as Whole bloods. Older Sis1 was from Mom and her first husband, and Older Sis2 is from Dad & his first wife. They are both about the same age. Lilbro and I are 14 months apart and fought to the teeth until the day I moved out when I was 18. Then he became my favorite person on earth.

He has made some stupid decisions, but I have stuck by him, albiet sometimes from a distance, through it all. So since he and I are the only two with both Mom & Dad we are the only 2 whole bloods. There is a slight Harry Potter reference also.

So tonight when Mom was reteling me the stuff that happened today I got very excited.

I havent updated in the past few days because I had to step back since I had some mysterious stomach bug and we didn't want him to get it. But he is doing great. Yesterday I was very upset because I could only be there an hour then I had to leave to drive Granny around. In that hour he was tied down (he had been in the past since he tries taking out his trach) in a reclining chair. Here lets make thi easier. My updates from facebook:

Billys nurse today seriously sucked. She had him tied down to the chair reclined all day with excuse he needs to be up. Wth? Thats not up Would she like to be reclined tied in 1 position 2 weeks after a motercycle accident.she wouldnt even wait for his answer of is he hurting.

So finally I got Mom on the problem and she sorted out the nurse and the Head nurse was pissed. So back to today. Physical Therapy came today and started helping him talk with the trach. :) She asked him questions to see what he remembered since the bruse on his brain is still there. He remembers Mom, me, and the accident. Right?!?! No mention of anyone else, but that doesnt mean when they come up he doesnt know them.. I think it's like an out of site out of mind thing. Granted i'm not a pro. It is an ego boost though that he mentioned me.

My little bro is coming back!

Extreme update/Night 6

2011-07-02T19:17:00.001-05:00

In a quick timeline:
4 a.m.: Just spent the last 30 minutes chatting with billy. Well trying to. At one point as i was guessing words and the nurse(my favorite) was watching he flipped me off and looked at her and did the hand flip like 'see what i have to deal with'. After picking up my jaw, and 7 more guesses he wanted the fan off! Dont be on my team if we ever play charades.

3 p.m.: Billy has been writing sentences (although I got "the powder on the power switch looks like it will shock. what a place to find out huh.") and talking SO much more! He has been having people turn to look at something to flip me off, and got mom to get a picture off the shelf to flip me off twice! Im loving the goofy brother. :)

5 p.m.: During his breathing treatment Billy was pretending he was smoking and making smoke circles.

An bit over an hour ago: 5 minutes before the 7-9 shift change where we can't be back in Billys room The got Billy up standing and put him in a chair. He didn't want to sit down, but they got him to. !!!!!!!! He hasn't been up in over 2 weeks. The nurses are amazed at how well he is doing.

Today was awesome.

- Posted using MyBrain

Night notes, night 4 and 5

2011-06-30T21:28:00.001-05:00

12:20 am
Nurse (G): Billy can you open your eyes?
*he does
G: Billy can you give me a thumbs up?
*he does
G: Billy can you wiggle your toes?
*he does
G: Billy do you want to see your sister? She's right here?
*he nods
He looks at me, I say hi, he stares at me and then drifts to sleep!

And night 5, last night:

Night 5 for me that is. He has been tugging on his tie downs, testing them. He is mostly awake now with the trach., and his eyes and mouth are adjusting. Responding to questions and looking our way.
Moving his cheek to his shoulder to open his eye. His eyebrow twitch when I make a smart ass comment.
His heart rate goes up anytime I'm close. We tested it. So, as awesome as it may be, if I am in the room with him I need to either stay quiet and back or have Mom so she can calm him.

Today:

We kept testing it. It's awesome this proof of how close we are. He calms when Mom is near. He arm wrestles with Dad. He sleeps with Sis. today after 3 hours with him I had to leave and reintroduce myself to Loey! We had a good day shopping and making a picture for Billy.

- Posted using MyBrain

Waiting game my night 3

2011-06-27T03:02:00.001-05:00

Lakeland Regional Medical Center (LRMC) is our hospital. Trauma Intensive Care Unit (TICU) is our waiting room. We wait and we wait. Will the phone ring and we can come see you, or is it the dreadful 2 hours of 7 to 9 am and 7 to 9 pm when we are not allowed.

When we first settled in TICU on Monday the other family was mostly teens. Their story was one of their friends (the girl who was there 99% of the time, her boyfriend) was car surfing and when they stopped he (we'll call him j) flew off that car, hit another and finally hit his head on the pavement. Thursday his life support was turned off. Friday his organs donated.
N was a girl who was in a motorcycle accident also. She hit a pole, then a truck ran over her. Only 3 people have been to see her. She is still here. No one has come back again. She is still here.
Tonight a car full of kids swerved to miss a car and hit a pole. No one had id's and one girl, the one hit by the tree, has been the only identified so far. Massive brain trauma apparently. She didn't make it through the night.

I do not like being here, hearing these stories, feeling their grief. Tonight is my night with you Billy. Sleep peacefully.

- Posted using MyBrain

Location:LRMC TICU Waiting room

End of week one

2011-06-26T10:32:00.001-05:00

Billy brat,

You are still intubated. Your stubbornness to get out the tubes has made it even harder to do so. They are talking about doing a trachea whatever so that you won't have that gaggy feeling. :).

You have totally cute nurse tonight. This is my first night back since thursday when you decided to pull a trick the nurse ill get out oof bed when they are not looking thing. For an hour, and through the max sedation you tried getting up.

Today your o2 saturation was at 85% which is not best so they are going to try the weekend, and if it is still like that they will try the trach tube. Your fever is steady at 102.3 and the aspiration from pulling your breathing tube Friday has the possible result of pneumonia, so the docs are being very cautious.

I love you little brother. I hate being in the waiting room, and the tubes in your mouth remind me of Nanny so at any given moment I start crying. Please kick this.

This morning though your temp was down. I am off to spend the day (most of it) with Loe before I am back up here with you.

I love you.
- Posted using MyBrain

Location:LRMC

My little brother Billy

2011-06-22T21:29:00.001-05:00

Seeing my little brother hooked up to a breathing tube, wires coming from every angle, arm in a cast and eyes closed, is it really a question of my sanity? My heart has broken so many times these past 24 hours I can't imagine anything else.

The luck he has, the angels that surrounded him, the will and strength he posseses astounds me. I can sit in this chair and watch him until he wakes as long as needed, just to see his eyes recognize me again. I miss my little brother. I.

Billy,
Your nurses are amazing. Right now you have to be tied down so you don't pull out the tubes. Each time you start to struggle the nurse rubs your chest, repeating your name and where you are. They keep me informed, even with menial information, knowing that even that little tidbit does help us some.
As I sit in this surprisingly comfortable chair I can't stop staring at you. you look peaceful now. Before when we were still in the emergency critical care you looked empty. Even just your unconscious eyes did not look right. Now they look like you could be sleeping on my couch after a boring movie.

I sit here staring, wondering what might of been. Knowing life would not of been the same, not livable without you. You were so close to death, so unbelievable close, yet you pulled through. You are alive, you will walk. You struggle to pull out of the drug induced sleep they try to keep you in, and the last time I got to help calm you and you grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. Will you remember that? Will you know it was me? Will you know I kinda ditched my daughter with Granny to be at your bedside? Will you know I can't concentrate on anything else when I am not in your room?

Billy you are my brother. You are my younger brother. Yet so much more. The ties we share, the closeness we have that we don't with our other 2 siblings is unrivaled. I can't take like without you. You have no choice but to get better. I need you in my life little brother.

- Posted using MyBrain

Billy, LilBrother, please be ok.

2011-06-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

Lilbro was on his way home from his friends house when he took a curve too severe. He lost control of his motorcycle (with no helmet) and hit a pole. He then continued on to slide through a fence and under a trailer. I thank through prayer the person who called it in, from my entire heart. Entering the ER he had a collapsed left lung, broken elbow and slight bleeding & swelling on his brain.

6pm

The Doc came in and updated saying they will do surgery tomorrow for his elbow. He is being kept sedated so the swelling in his brain can decrease.

8pm

His bleeding on the brain has been draining through his ear which they say is a good start.

9pm Next to best update eva:

Billy is all set up in Trauma ICU w/some bottle of white wonderful medicine keeping him sedated. If we talk to much near him, even being pumped full of the above mentioned med's he starts to move around & breathing over the breathing tube. He will have another ct scan in morning & his elbow fixed. They still wont give a definitive answer on outlook, but him moving like that HAS to be a good sign.

10pm

I am forced home to walk the puppy and sleep. I left the hospital saying goodnight to him and giving his hand a kiss (i didn't want to go near his face with the tubes and cuts and accidentally hurt him) and he starts trying to move again! His legs were slightly bent because he is too long for the bed. :)

Today we leave on a quest.

2011-06-14T07:24:00.001-05:00

I shall join you Voldemort!

With the almost tween,

and the already thinks she is twenty,

I shall join the masses at Universals World of Harry Potter and with just the 3 of us we shall conquer it! Oh and I suppose the rest of Universal, well no just Islands of Adventure today at least. Ley and I will go to Universal tomorrow just the 2 of us, and next Tuesday Loe and I will party at Universal. Wish me luck, keep me in your thoughts, and if I am not back by midnight then they have won and I shall be lost forever. At least I went out a fighter!

The Innocence of Loey

2011-06-12T08:36:00.000-05:00

So we were having our regular talk about her listening to me and the importance.

This morning we went to the gas station to get yoohoo's (since I don't keep them regularly stocked so I dont chug then all the time) and for the 70th time I had to pull her hand away from the cooler window while she was drawing on it. -
- I can't stand it when they do this. Yeah once in a while at Wal-mart when its taking me forever to decide on a frozen something, but even then I don't like it. Both girls know this. Call it a seriously messed up quirk which it probably is. Maybe its because of my hatred of dirty windows. I don't have the answer to the reason.-
So we get home from getting the drinks and Loe is still upset I pulled her hand away so I sit her down for the above mentioned talk. Some of my exact words:
"Do you understand Loe that you need to do something as soon as I say? We will not go to Universal until you understand that."
"Ok Mommy"
"But do you understand? If we are at Universal in the middle of a huge crowd, which is very likely even though we will go in the middle of the week, and I ask you to grab my hand but you don't and the crowd pushes you away from me and you cant find me what do you do?"
-silence-
"Loe first you scream for me, then while doing that you find a person who works there and let them know you can't find me. Do you understand?"
"Yes"
-still vague look in her eyes-
"Loe if you get lost from me and some one kidnaps you do you think it would be a fun experience? Never see Mommy again, they could hurt you"
"Like how?"
"Well without getting to graphic-
Whats graphic mean?"
"Nothing, listen. They could hit you , cut you , kill you-
Ley chimes in with "yeah and pull out your fingernails"
-which she remembers from our conversation when she accidentally fell and popped her thumbnail and even though she was properly flipping out she braved the blood-stopping and cleaning amazing, and I told her jokingly that now she has experienced torture because some people would torture someone by starting with that.. Yeah we are a weird family. Ley loves ghost stories too-
"and do even more terrible-.... "Loe you stopped listening once Ley said thumbnail didn't you?"
nods her head
-huge sigh-"Loe do you understand how serious it is you listen to me?
"Yes mama, I will I promise"
"K goose go play"
"With your ipad?"
-another huge sigh- "Yeah doll go ahead."
And Ley laughing as Loe jumps up to go play.
Does she understand?

day 2 of my birthday weekend

2011-06-07T23:16:00.000-05:00

Cute shots of Ley glamming it up getting ready to surprise me.

Me at dinner with mom with my Blue Rose of Texas Magarita! And the huge steak I got for free! Texas Cattle Company!

The empty margarita glass.

The gift from Mom, a scrapbook and 6 inches of pictures I wanted.

Cards from Chloe, Mom and Ley. Loe's was a pop-up, Moms is a book place holder and Ley's was tons o glittery.

The card I got Monday. It was the best present I have ever gotten. (By the way Dad called the day before and the day of!) Dad addressed, mailed and more importantly signed it himself. Any Moms out there might get the tears in my eyes for this one.

SEE!

Loey painted me a firework, but I think it looks like a flower!

Ley painted me a birthday banner!

Easier said than done.

2011-06-07T22:24:00.000-05:00

So on that note I will be doing a birthday wrap up with pictures in stead of words. So my birthday was birthday weekend. Saturday I had:

My brothers new puppy Max. I call him Doctor.

Campagne and Cake Pops to start off the day. Before. Since My actual birthday is Sunday we started on Saturday.

My mom pulled me out of the house at 930PM to get something for a late dinner and I came home to my little brother had surprised me.

I got a bubble wand!

The tequila & lottery tickets from my mom, Gators stuff from LilBro.

Another cute shot of Doctor Max.

Daddies girl

2011-05-25T10:00:00.001-05:00

We haven't fought. He is still alive. My phone number hasn't changed. His phone number is still the same. But yet my calls go to voicemail. My texts never replied to. My voicemails unreturned. Did I unintentionally upset my father?

Last time my dad talked to me was the night before I moved from Texas to Florida. December 17th. 11pm-ish and for about 20 minutes. He was picking up a lawn mower, bed frame, and a few other large items I needed to get rid of before the move. He said he would call tomorrow and come by to say goodbyes to the girls. I haven't spoken to him since.

We used to text each other everyday with him sending at least one silly picture to the girls. I have been a 'Daddies girl' since birth I guess. At first I figured he was busy. He works construction until late hours, so not being able to call or hear the phone or read/return texts is understandable.

April 7th, his birthday I called to no answer. Leaving messages for three calls and sending a text, I figured he would call back.

Mothers day, I get a call from ex, I get a call from little brother, I spend the day with mom. Great day. I even got a card from loe's gparents. Later that evening Mom told me how she talked to dad and blah blah. My number hasn't changed in 3 years.

So finally my birthday is a little over a week away and I find myself wondering if I will get a call from him. I try to play it off as joking saying he won't which seems like it's working. I have yet to talk to my Dad and the crack in my heart is growing with each day I get closer to the 5th of June. The day his youngest daughter was born. The day I was brought into this world.

Rants and blood

2011-05-23T19:11:00.001-05:00

Insignificant. Is how I have been feeling most days. This is mainly a mommy rant. Against my mother.

My cable/internet was due on the 3rd of May. I had already spent every penny on other bills and food. So when the cable guy came today to take the equipment he gave me until 5pm to get the money or I would owe an additional $200 to get it turned back on. So I asked around, I was getting a definite $400 on the 1st, so it was only a week loan. My mother said she would when she got off work (315), so the time came and I started bugging out since she was not answering my calls. Then my little brother, who was sitting beside me studying, got a call and told me she said she would pay it only if I called and had the movies on demand disabled.

This may be a bit petty, but if she had said this at 315 then I would of found another way. I'm not asking her to borrow the money indefinitly, but for a week so it should be none of her business what the hell is on my bill. Yes it was my screw up in the first place, and I was asking for a huge favor, but a favor that was going to be repaid IN FULL in 8 days.

I think my irritation has just built upon stuff she has done for the past 4 months. The girls and I always have to go to her house, she has come over to visit 3 times and each lasted less than 2 hours, and always has something to complain about in the house. Anything I do, or anything that comes up she puts in her advice and if I do not go her way with something she gets pissed.

I am so tired of being disciplined and insulted and brushed off, and used that I have become how I get around my sister. No-one. No opinion, no comments, no commitments, just shrugs and sure, and whatever (unless it concerns the kids) until the subject passes. I am tired of this feeling, I am tired of not wanting to be around my mom. I am tired of wishing we hadn't moved from Texas.

If all of this wasn't enough (feel free to tell me I am being an idiot), this morning -when I really needed her help- my nose started bleeding so heavily. I couldn't lean back because the moment I did my mouth would fill with blood and I would start to gag. So not cut out for being a vampire. Damn. After I got the kids to school while holding my head forward down a bit and a huge wad of tissues on my nose, I held my head over the trash and just let it drip. An hour later it started to slow and I sniffed. _This part(if the previous wasn't enough)is nasty- I felt something in the back of my throat, thinking it was the little bit of snot covered blood I tried to cough it out. I choked on a huge 3 tablespoon size blood clot thing. Nurse friend said I needed to go to the Doc immediately, but it had stopped bleeding so I waited.
Oh the whole point. First when I saw how bad I was bleeding and it wasn't slowing during the 20 minutes the girls were getting ready for school, I called Mom to see if she would take them. She said no. No reason. Then only after she heard what Nurse friend said did she ask if i needed anything before she went into work.

I never get to feel pain or sadness or hurt. Any time I am asked by her and reply with any emotion other than fine she turns it and compares me with someone else who is worse off or herself. I do understand that tons of people have problems that make mine insignificant. This is my world though and I am allowed to feel something other than happy. I feel like all I am doing is pouting and throwing a pitty party. I just. Im just tired of it all.

I don't know. I just have this uneasy feeling. I need a map of where to go and what to do.

Hello again

2011-05-23T18:33:00.000-05:00

I am still here. I have been struggling with a few things and as soon as it settles I will post more.

Around but not gone.

2011-05-12T13:23:00.000-05:00

I have been working on a post, but have yet (obviously) to post it. I have been reading other blogs and multiple other things that keep me busy online. Soon..

March of Dimes

2011-04-19T22:29:00.001-05:00

The bear my mom got for me remembering how I felt about March of Dimes, and not remembering, but knowing it was important, got the purple one. Seriously. Now look to the left side of my page. Yeah gorgeous Maddie with her color. Purple.

So a link or two. Because it's important.
One for Maddie's March of Dimes page
Because she and her family is important.
Two for the main blog The Spohrs are Multiplying

Wow

2011-04-14T07:52:00.001-05:00

Trying to keep up and not just eat the easiest thing to find has been rough. Yet back again I gained a few pounds.

I have been going to the gym with lil brother. He finished school to be a personal trainer but feels he needs a bit more studying and practice before he takes his certification test. I don't see why, he rocks it. So we go almost every day. 2 days ago we were so busy and didn't have a chance all day so right before we had a planned date with parents to play cards we went to the gym for a quick 30 minute routine. It was Lats I think. I'm not sure. He goes through each muscle that will be worked and how to do it. More to refresh his memory and to practice training.

I will weigh and update that tomorrow. Shopping all day with mom today. Woo.

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This Day

2011-03-24T22:45:00.001-05:00

This day was a day like any other day. Awake with the light and also the sound of roosters. At 6 am. Being a night person this is not a paticularly enticing, inviting or even remote idea that sounds good, and would normally bring about a 'wrong side of the bed' attitude. Yet this day it did not. I lay in bed (well couch because the bed had still to be delivered) and was lazy for an hour and 30 minutes. The dog sleeping sound behind my knees I did not even want to move. I didn't.

Today though I woke the girls up slowly and we left the house still 5 minutes late. Luckily they are fast eaters and love school breakfast so as normal the 5 minutes late did not impact the schedule for them or me. I, officially a Florida resident since Tuesday, came home and set to getting rid of boxes. We moved from wonderful winter season-y Texas to pretty much summer year round Florida in the middle of December. We officially moved out of my moms house and into our own at the end of January. To say I have slacked on unpacking was a slight understatement. I only unpacked the important stuff, the girls favorite stuff and kitchen stuff and left the rest to slowly unpack.

All boxes but one for each daughter are gone. Well emptied and tossed to the garage where I will have to break them down. All mundain boring life details. I folded clothes for 3 hours. No really, from 9:30am to 12:30, when my Mom came over and brought me a bed. Regular details of the day done, I finished my first SAT practice test and got a 450 in reading and 370 in math. Have i mentioned before I hate math? Well I do. With passion. I would rather fold clothes for three hours than do math. I really want to get into USF and to do that I need good scores.

I feel like I really dropped the ball for school when I made the decision to move. I didn't finish that semester with the excuse of it would be to stressful to study and move and entire household of 1 adult and 2 children at the same time. Now I am slacking in applying with the fear of not being accepted. I want to be in school and start that insanity but yet I sit and wait and distract myself from studying.

But then again this day I made a little time to study. This day I found an amazing song which put me in the mood to get crap done. This day I will do it.

Days 6-9/9 Spring Break 2011

2011-03-20T22:40:00.000-05:00

We spent a few more nights at Grans house, went to the drive in, spent hours hating my keyboard, and finally

The only one out of 50 that we took a pic of.

Making cake Pops. Ley wants me to make a career out of it. Hum. School Starts tomorrow and I start studying for my SAT's. UGH. :)

Days 2-5/9 Spring Break 2011

2011-03-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

We spent days at the park,

days cleaning and unpacking more boxes,

and playing at Gran's house and each took turns spending the nights. Ley even got a tv/dvd player in her room for the duration of Spring Break. Only 4 days left!

Day 1/9 Spring Break 2011

2011-03-11T14:40:00.001-06:00

Spring Break 2011

Starts today. Ley, Loe and I (along with LilBro, his girlfriend, L, and his girlsfriends cute daughter B are going ot the Strawberry Festival! I love strawberries. Loe does too, she can eat them constantly, and even eat the leaves, leaving no part wasted.

Went great! Until about 930. We had a turkey leg and strawberry shortcake. Amazing! The girls fought about what to ride first, until they walked up to the ferris wheel. The only rides they went on had to do with going high up. Then we saw a pig race. I know right! The potbelly pigs were the best. 4 started all at the same time, walking out of the gate, then 2 stopped halfway to poop and when the first two reached almost the finish line they stopped and the third who had taken a potty break walked through the finish line, and the fourth walked up and they all walked through. I guess you had to be there but it was hilarious. Ley declared she didn't like strawberries and wanted something else. She didn't get anything else until we got home. Loe was asleep before we pulled out of the parking lot though.

First day went pretty good.
Up next?

Park and possibly drive in.

Hopefully I can think of fun and cheap things to do each day for Spring Break so we don't get bored.Good luck!

Mitzi Kennett Nash

2011-03-07T09:08:00.000-06:00

The most amazing Grandmother. 2 years since she has passed. 2 years that i still haven't dealt with her death. 2 years.

What I read.

2011-03-01T15:26:00.000-06:00

So I have had a busy week finishing the house and unpacking so I haven't had much to blog about. So for your viewing pleasure I am going to link to some of my favorite blog posts of others.

To begin we have Matt & Maddie. One of the first blogs I started reading and love.

Redneckmommy is a tie with them. I don't go a day without checking her blog.

24 I found when my mom was in a car accident and hated taking pain pills but she had 4 busted vertebrae's and needed it

Danoah I rencently found and he, a single dad, writes awesome posts and hilariously funny ones.

TheBloggess is another one I have been reading for quite a while. Words escape me when trying to describe her, but amazing is a main one.

SingleParentDad is another single dad and I love his insight and view of parenting. Plus he has a gorgeous accent!

So for now I am going to go unpack more. Enjoy.

Swan Lake and pit seats

2011-02-24T11:56:00.001-06:00

So to begin with on Ley's 9th birthday I wanted to get her tickets to Moscow Ballet Nutcracker. She was in cheer and wants to take a year of ballet before getting back into cheer. We were very excited and things were looking good. Then a few things happened and I couldn't afford it. Mom felt bad, heck we all felt bad. But things smoothed over and life moved on. So when we moved here she suprised us with tickets to Russian National Ballet Swan Lake. YAY!

Pit seats! Front row pit seats!

So here is our night:

Ley and I all dressed and ready to go. Mom of course had to take pictures but thankfully only a few.

We goofed around in the car when we parked. We drove around a few hours before hand and saw some of them getting off their bus, so our excitement level was high.

In the theater Ley decided to be a photographer and took pics of pictures, and walls, ceiling fixtures and me while taking a bite of her pretzel.

I took action and snapped a quick one of her finding my lip gloss.

Finally we got to go find our seats and walk all the way down, down, down.

To right in front of the stage!!!! While we sat we could see between the 5 inches from the stage floor to the curtain since it apparently was a little to short. We saw feet stretching, and jumping, and getting their ballet shoes on (and one girl that frustrated me because she had them on but wouldn't lace them. she sat there for like 5 minutes until she finally did) and other assorted amazing ballet moves.

Finally after an amazing ballet we hoped to get a signature of say hello only to find they didn't speak any Englisgh (uhh who cares we know some Russian) and wouldn't be doing and meeting. But we waited and were the last out only to find the MAIN MALE LEAD talking (in Russian, my word i giggled so much inside my head, I was loving it) to some Russians that were in the audience. Ley finally got up the nerve to go up to him and said Спасибо (spasiba - thank you), and then привет (privet - Hi) Пожалуйста (pozhaliasta - please)can I take a picture. He understood English so all was good and we got the it! She was so happy she kept saying

Спасибо. On the way to the car she was bouncy (me too but the heels I was wearing kind of curbed that) and teary and so happy. Once I had started driving and we drove around the theater and hotel they were staying at hoping to get a glance at another dancer, she started crying major. I asked her why, "They're happy tears mommy, it was just so amazing"

It really was.

My diet

2011-02-21T11:00:00.002-06:00

I am only using this entry to track my diet.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Wish me luck.

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6 month count down

2011-02-20T10:21:00.001-06:00

Well she is counting, not I. 6 -ish months before Ley's 10th birthday we go back 5 years to the night before her 5th birthday when we had a midnight chat.

Music baby

2011-02-13T12:07:00.001-06:00

I have found myself listening to the lyrics of songs more closely than i have before. Possibly be because I do not like hearing my daughters sing about drinking till they drop or loving the way they are lied to. My two main irritations seem to get under my skin with the first note of music, I hear the radio leading into the song and get annoyed which makes me drive more aggressively which is something i need to work on to be a better role model for my girls. Some though will make me cry in the first verse from having heard the song previously and knowing what it's about.

First up 'whatcha say' by someone. He is talking about how he cheated on his girlfriend, but he didn't mean it so she should just forget it. Well that's a brief summary, but basically the meaning i grasp from the lyrics. This is one of my sore spots. I was cheated on, and stupidly one cheated. Both times I understood the severity it would have for my relationship, but at no point did i expect my ex or I to just forget, or get over it. It also brings to mind the double standard i have witnessed where if a man cheats oh he didn't mean it or he has different needs, but if a woman cheats all hell breaks loose and chick better watch out.

My current favorite sone right now though is a toughie. He sings about he would catch a grenade, put his hand in front of a blade, jump in front of a train and take a bullet to the brain for her. He loves her so. Alas she wouldn't do any of the previous for him though so it's doomed. I change a few words around when i sing it, and it comes out as me doing those for my kids, and not needing anything in return. Really, if you love someone would you really only do those things on the condition that they would do the same for you?

Bringing me to tear each time is a Christmas song about a boys last Christmas and the neighbors find out he won't make it, which brings it to the city finding out and further. Around October the dad puts up lights, gets the house christmasy so he can have one last Christmas. I think of all the beautiful children that have been taken and I break down. Madeline, Ellie, the list could go on.

Finally my favorite video is burning room and these 2 dancers. I found it on YouTube, and it is amazing. Go search for it!

Gifts, cards, love

2011-02-13T12:03:00.001-06:00

I never knew I would put off opening a present until the actual day instead of early. Ley made me a card at school and brought it home Friday. Since she has been home she has begged and begged me to open and read it. I keep pushing and pushing her to wait so I can open it valentines day instead of early. I love that she she is so excited to give it to me that she wants me to have it asap. Currently she is helping her sister make me one.
Finally getting along I love it. That's better than any gift.

My days

2011-02-04T23:04:00.001-06:00

Are spent painting. The past week I was ill so I didn't get anything done. Days before and now after are being spent getting the new house (awesome low rent and can go rent to own later) ready to move in. I saved $200 off the security deposit by offering to paint and with permission to just not paint the outside of the house I went all out. The living room is 'sandstone'; which looks peachy, the bathroom is cinnamon; which looks off white-ish. For Ley's room I found a cute design on Disney. It's suppose to be Hannah montana, but it's swirls and no real defining Hannah type. All pinks of course. Loe's is tinkerbell found on the same site but using purples instead of blues. The kitchen will be blue, yellow maybe. I haven't finalized that room yet and my room i have no clue. I will upload pics for before and after, hopefully done soon.

More info soon but life is coming together again.

This time

2011-01-20T07:51:00.002-06:00

I am almost out of this house. Almost into my house. I miss Texas. My own house. My own everything. I have until Feb. 8th for everything to be final and the house be mine. I am designing the girls separate rooms (on paper) and day dreaming about arranging it. As I move in I will post pics. I have been very emotional lately and I don't know why. I have 3 posts in limbo on my ipad (Mom got me for school) and are working on them which when done will be posted. I see some are reading and I don't want to leave you hanging on my boring life so I will update and have more interesting info soon. As soon as I move in I will be able to start reading all the blogs I have before. I miss you. Friends from somewhere that I have never met. Even if you read and make fun of this blog, hey i'm used to that. :)

I am counting the days. Watch my twitter. I can update that from my phone so when I am not too busy trying to finalize the house and help the girls with homework. Girls with homework is a whole other story!.

More updates soon. There are so many things I want to say, but don't have the courage.. Soon I will.

Fairies

2011-01-08T18:25:00.001-06:00

My step dad and i were talking today about hunting and loe was walking into the room as he was saying he shot the biggest one. She all but flipped out saying "you shot them, really shot them, and they died?" even though she already knew what happens when he hunts.
After a minute of us regaining our minds from unexpectantly being cried at about it we asked her what was so wrong and she expanded saying you shot the fairies. We let her know that no it was the deer and shie replies by saying oh! And happily bouncing away...

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I will walk 1000 miles

2010-12-22T09:51:00.001-06:00

But then I'm out. 1089 miles, 28 hours later I am in Florida for the next few years. Few as in decades. I am still exhausted so this is just a check in. I have a few posts i am working on. I will update with another list of my favorite blogs in a few days. If you are still here thanks for sticking with me!

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Almost moving day

2010-12-13T15:37:00.001-06:00

We are all prepared basically for the move. I have been packing a dismantling everything we own. Again. I am so tired of moving, hopefully this will be the last for a while. I am going to miss this family. I have gotten to know my cousins much better and their wonderful children. I need to be closer to my mom though. We leave in 9 days. Twenty-seven trash bags later, I think I am prepared.

The girls are so excited. Leybug gets to fly to her dads the morning we leave so she is counting minutes. Loey is looking forward to riding with her uncle and me back and forth for 24 hours.

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Mother daughter love

2010-12-06T14:47:00.000-06:00

The love that I feel for my daughters is heartbreakingly strong. When someone slights them i want to go off on the person. This is probably the reason I haven't seen my sister lately. Any time we do she disciplines the girls like they were hers. Now normally. I don't mind if someone does if they are breaking their rules. But my sister will act like them not finishing their meal is cause for war. I am ok with my mom, brother (I would say dad but he spoils them :) ).
It could be that every single time she is in the same area as us she claims loe is going to be gay when she grows up. I have nothing against anyone who is gay, their life who am I to judge, but seriously it goes along the lines of if loe is wearing a dress they say I am forcing her, when she is playing with what is considered a 'boys' toy then that's a sign. She even tried to get loe to stop sitting with her pillow. Seriously.
Ugh. Loe is a tomboy plain and simple. She also has a lot of her bio-dad's genes.
He is a NASCAR watching, thumb sucking, still has his pillow from childhood that he keeps with him, guy. None of this is said in a mean or insulting tone. I have let go of my anger towards him. It seems like those 3 actions are genetic. Loe sucks her thumb, wants to bring her pillow everywhere and her favorite toy is a car (usually with a Polly pocket doll in it). She has his baby looks, his hair color and curl. She is half of him.
I don't spoil the girls, and choose what battles to take on. If it isn't dangerous and if they show good behaviour I will overlook things, and supervise their sibling fights while encouraging them to work it out. So she sucks her thumb as long as her teeth are good (so far so good) she can. Which as a matter of fact she only does when she is going to sleep or is sick. I know of her fathers attachment to his pillow so as long as she doesn't leave it laying around, and doesn't go past the backseat of the car I don't mind. And really, who doesn't love cars?

Because I am just that preoccupied

2010-11-03T20:53:00.001-05:00

The pic I said I was going to add.

Drowning

2010-11-02T23:54:00.003-05:00

It feels like I am drowning. The life raft is just out of my reach. I struggle and struggle but it seems I am only moving further away.

Sorry, out of pity mode now. I try during the day 3 days a week to find a job & do homework. The other 2 days I go to school. At 330 the girls jump into my car and the evening begins with homework for the girls, dinner, play and other mom and children activities which do include stopping fights that come out of nowhere. So frustrating when they both seem to not want to work it out. Then after they both are in bed and asleep I work on what homework I couldn't finish and other last minute things.

Halloween was awesome. Friday we decked out in full costume (which for Loe included her hair being sprayed white to match up with her Alice wig, and Ley hair sprayed white then black, with yellow honey bee stripes) and went to my college Safe Halloween at the baseball field. A live band (I think it was a group from the school marching band) played Thriller multiple times, and I loved it each one. Amazing! So we looped the baseball field and filled their buckets with candy.

Saturday we took a break and relaxed at home all day.

Sunday we were going to go to the 'rich' neighborhood and get full candy bars with Ley's friend from school who lives 4 doors down.. At 3 we were going to follow them. 3 came and passed and apparently they left without us. So knowing the general neighborhood we headed out at 6 tried to find it. Yeah no go. We eventually decided to hit up the park since it was still not even twilight out. Totally lucked out! The surrounding neighborhood was so decked out and since by the time we arrived it was time. for 2 hours (2 hours!?!) we went the 3 blocks out each way. One house had a walk around haunted graveyard. (Another freaking awesome) Some obvious guy scarecrow jumped at the end and totally flipped Loe out. Proving she is my half she wanted to go again. I love my kids! :)

One of the last houses had a guy in some weird suit and had a bowl of candy in the yard (he was caling out to people to get some candy in a carnival way) and above the bowl was a big wooden cage that said "Acme Kid Trap". It was so hilarious I almost fell flat on my face stepping of the curb. Thankfully I only made a few huge steps half bent and recovered. We eventually made it home to our neighborhood, hit those houses and both girls were finally in bed by midnight.

My first 9 years I lived in this town and mom would never let us trick or treat so she would take us to Papah's house and he had big huge bags of candy for each of us. With us being here until June we had out time, (short as it was) with Nanny, and it almost seemed like she hung on to have each holiday with us for a year. I want to make sure the girls have each experience I had/didn't have here. I am so unbelievable happy to of had these 3ish years, but I miss my Mom and brother more.

Which is my final stress. We will be moving in June and I am working on getting accepted to USF, saving money to move, moving and living up the most time with this side of my family. Life must be hard. My newest favorite quote (from someone who said it was from the marines) is now 'Pain is just the weakness leaving the body'. Hehe, I don't know why I get such a kick out of that.

I will leave you with a pic of the cutest trick-or-treaters!

My Irritation with Facebook

2010-10-19T19:13:00.000-05:00

Now 75% of the time I love Facebook. Really. I have blocked my ex and his wifey. I actually keep in touch with my family. Its the friends part. Now in high school two of my really good friends were on the football team. One I had known since 8th grade. I was a quiet girl, and VERY self conscious, with a bad self image.
But this is mainly about my senior year. 3 of my best friends M, R & J had been friends with my since the first day of 5th grade and the first bus ride to school I had that year. Skip ahead 6 years and in the middle of the year some girl I didn't know accused me of trying to sleep with her boyfriend. On the night I was actually at work. Till midnight. While I had a boyfriend.
They teased and bullied me relentlessly my last 2 years of high school. I skipped my senior prom because of it. The hurt is still there and I now even have trouble trusting people enough to become friends with someone. So I am sure you can imagine my irritation when I have a friend request on facebook from the same people who bullied me..
I take the high road and don't say anything I would wish to. So now my inbox is full of friend requests from people who claimed they hated me when I was 16. But because people can say it better than I, visit this website:
Single Dad Laughing
because it needs to be said.

This is me

2010-10-05T22:37:00.002-05:00

This is me slacking from my homework. I am 500 words into a 1000 word essay due tomorrow at 11am. I am analyzing an essay of someone else. Buh-or-ing. which is why it has taken me a little over a week to write. Blah. I have read up on most of the blogs i have been missing. Hit all of my favorite weird websites, but still find myself not writing. Even now I am blanking on just writing about my life. This brain of mine does not want to work.

Ehh. Maybe tomorrow I will have more words.

Oh yeah, got my nose pierced!

Busy Busy busy

2010-09-19T20:39:00.002-05:00

Is the explanation. Not totally true, well it is, but with boring bits. So in a list form, my past weeks:
My School
**English class is great. Love the teacher and her class.
**Math, can't stand the teacher but I am understanding the work on my own, which is surprising.
**Ethics. I love. LOVE. I actually participate in class and call out responses. I know.
*Girls are doing great at school.
**Loe has been getting 'green faces' (good days) since the first day. She is excited to have one of her pre-k friends in her class.
**Ley is having a bit of trouble, her progress report she has A's, B's and i think a C. The work is getting harder, but she is taking it in great strides. Now she just needs to slow down when working on homework and she wont mess up her answers by just not paying attention..
Other than homework I have gotten into another British show and have been trying to watch all seasons of it. Doctor Who, and off of that one Torchwood. I might accidentally shout out one day "Doctah (thats how it sounds British in my head)" just because. So now off I go to finish season 5. Then I will have no more shows till the new season comes out.

new postie

2010-09-12T15:40:00.001-05:00

Sorry, these migraines make me type wrong, and read wrong so the druggies i am on of course to do..... this took 30 minutes to type and correct. see

Internet Shy

2010-09-08T21:57:00.005-05:00

I read many many post. I love them all. Yet I lurk. I like in life am afraid to post a response to someone.

If it contains my children that's another story, Mama Bear pops out with one wrong look in the direction of my child.

But even posting on my own blog. The anxiety I have hitting publish, and publishing a tweet, a comment, heck even a facebook comment.

Moneky's are doing great. Monkey A (Ley) is lie-ing up a storm about having homework done, so she is home a lot more instead of going to BFF's house. Other than that she is blasting out the 4th grade, and working on her rules she learned from Grans house.

Monkey younger is off kilter. Both her and I went through the flu, her mild the 1st week of school, me massive my 1st week of school. I am at the coughing till I cant breathe spot, she is healthy as a very healthy kid. Like Ley. No sickness from her. Lucky bug.

With Kindergarten she came home the 2nd week and went to bed. By herself. ALL night. Yeah. I loved it. Our routine has semi-solidified so life is restarting. Granted thats a whole other post!

Ex's wives

2010-08-25T18:40:00.001-05:00

I got on facebook, this should I reply?

Wendy Jacobs Boyes August 25, 2010 at 12:25am
Subject: LSB
I really wish that you wouldn't post things about Lindsey on FB for the entire world to read. Just because the two of you didn't have a healthy marriage doesn't mean that he's a bad person. He has been a wonderful husband to me and a great step-father to my girls.

There was a time when he was unemployed and I know for a fact that his child support payments were coming out of it. He is not behind on his child support whatsoever. You know he is paying you. I too count on child support from my ex and I realize how importand it is to receive them.

Btw. I am not 20 years older than Lindsey. There is only 16 years between us. He chose to be with me and my girls because of the way that I/they treat him. I don't try and control him and I let be the man that he wants to be. He loves us truly unconditionally. His actions show that every day.

I am sorry that you haven't found someone that you can relate to on a more intimate level.

Lindsey pays child support on his daughter and he isn't even allowed to see her. You have moved around twice since the divorce to other states so he cannot even see her. Does DFCS know this? Maybe they should. Does Chloe even know about her father???

Think on these things and stop beng a spiteful person please.

Wendy Boyes

Maddie gorgeous still thought of

2010-08-06T22:00:00.001-05:00

Rei (Ley) and Loe both came up to me today while I was blowing up balloons for Rei's 9th party. Loe starts off

"Mommy you remember Maddie's favorite color is purple."

"Yes doll I do.

then Rei says, "well mommy we thought we could send her some today. I have enough pink and white and we think Maddie would like some purple ones from us to remind her we are thinking of her."

I have not been able to dry my eyes, and while my mom who doesn't understand the impact of a blog life, my heart aches and loves and thinks about all of you all the time.� Madeline. Always in our hearts.

It was their surprising idea, and we halted the birthday party, explained why we cared, and people who barely even knew us thought a little moment on a gorgeous little girl who affected so many lives.

Leys 9th

2010-08-06T14:13:00.001-05:00

Will it or wont it?

2010-08-06T13:57:00.001-05:00

Publish

Powered by Qumana

Woo Hoo

2010-08-04T07:00:00.001-05:00

So we get to the hospital and finally get set in for reals! The nurse advised me to try and sleep, and I did. I love my sleep. It's funny how 9 years later I can recall the day and times things happened with such clarity.

7am I was given pitocin. They wanted to watch and see if Ley wouldn't get too stressed as we tried it naturally (EPIDURAL TOO). It went great and I was progressing slowly. Oh so slowly.

Noon. High Noon. Ex1 (the punk) goes and gets McD's. You know you cant eat during labor if your at a ridged hospital. Yeah so i had to smell all the McD's everyone had to eat around me. Whoch was also the time the anistheisit came and gave me my epi since I was in tears with the pain.

(In the room is Ex1, My mom, His mom, His sister)

I dilate, progress and at
430pm we start the big deal pushing. (I could feel 1 inch strip on my right side for some reason. Every contraction that inch strip i would feel it.. Ow)

5pm I was told If we cant get further it will go to c-section. (I almost said fine take me) The Doc popped in, had a blast playing dress up with a blanket (have the pic) and was joking around about washing up, goes out of the room for a few and comes back in and...

5:18 the monkey was born! Quiet. Looking at us like we were all mental. Something she has continued through to this day. She would not cry, and I got to see her for a bit (I also remember feeling a tugging and asking what was going on and the doc said sewing you up.) They take her to NICU because she wouldnt make a sound. She was checkin us out, breathing fine, but 'just to be sure'

930pm I got my baby! She was finally released, and she slept in our room that night. And when I say slept in our room I mean the next morning when the nurse came in and asked when the last time she ate was, we told her when, yeah around 930 pm last night she never woke, and as this was our first child neither did we. Holy cow I have never heard such a bitch out before. I mean really. She slept through her first night.

Which would continue to define her. She loved sleeping more than anything except maybe staring. 9 years later the girl can sleep through a saturday like a teen. I can still see the same look in her eyes as the first hour.

You know how some people say "Oh when she comes out you will want her back in', or 'once they start talking youll wish you could go back to when they couldn't'. Yeah no. I have enjoyed every single moment I have had with her (and her sister), and I have loved every word out of their mouths. I would sit and babble with Ley, and when Loe was going through her mixing english and russian words I loved every minute. Especially when she sang her first russian song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Soh-BYiyKnI
and one of Ley when she was 3ish http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wateRZnuZtc
. I have loved every second of being their mother. Happy Birthday Reiley Ayn!

Originally Due

2010-08-01T13:14:00.002-05:00

And now we enter the date Ley was due. August 1, 2001. I was excited. I had been having contractions the past few days not consistent, except for the fact every time I would pause and breathe I would hear "Is that a contraction? Is it time?". Nope. It's not. 10pm would find me pausing regular, and after a call to the doctor we delightfully drove to Northside hospital (Atlanta). Checked in, changed, and being surveyed 4 hours later I was sent home. Still fully pregnant. As we checked out and I pouted an appointment for a stress test was made for Friday.

(since this might be my last post till her birthday I will continue up to the day)

Friday comes, 3 hour stress test was easy peasy. Doc stripped the membranes and I was a little dilated. We made another appointment for Monday to induce since little Ley was in a little stress. Cool all three of us say. Us being Ex1, My Mom and Me. Ex1 sweet at the time rents us about 10 dvd's and we prepare to have our last child free weekend for the next foreseeable 18 years.

Yeah, If I knew then what I know now yeah? 2 am I wake thinking I wet the bed. Freak out, Mom comes in the room and calms me down and we call the doc. And wait. And wait. Yeah the doc fell back asleep after the after hours nurse called him. We call again and finally at 3am the doc calls and tells us to head out.

(Video of Ley on her 5th birthday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3twDwfykiE )

Looking

2010-07-27T14:58:00.002-05:00

This time 9 years ago I was getting excited for Ley's due date. August 1st. Mom was hovering, not letting me clean the foot boards in the kitchen or even clean. Ex1 was asking me every time I paused if that was a contraction.

It's been 9 years almost.

2010-07-16T21:47:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure I didn't do this last year. Nope I did. SO I wont retell the whole story. (Last years, her birth)
I really can not imagine it being 9 years. My longest relationship outside of immediate family was (and I guess still currently though different with her her father) ever. I always remember, and days before Ley will ask me what I was doing and I can still tell her. Right about now we were working out the details of my Mom coming to stay. It worked out to being 2 weeks before, and 2 1/2 weeks after. It worked great. We swam everyday. She pulled me to the mall to walk. Hated that. While we were backing out of the parking lot on our second and last trip to the mall I was hit by an ATL rich lady. She backed her little car right into mine, and it looked like she was going to be mad when she got out. I got out of the drivers seat and I could see the change in her face.
You know the pics out there from people in the 50's, cute little Chanel outfits. That was her. Then she got down, ripping her hose on the pavement and rubbed on the impact spot. Nothing bad on our car but hers was dented pretty significantly. She made sure I was alright and we decided not to call anyone and she sped out of there. But hey. Mom didn't make me walk the mall anymore!
So thats all I am going to say about her birth today. My favorite part of having a child is the days leading up to and the night before their birthday. Secretly buying decorations and hiding them. The night before sending them to bed to have them wake up the next morning in a birthday wonderland. It was my favorite part of my birthdays. Although it wasn't the night before, my Mom would send me out telling me to stay clean, but stay out, and send me to a friends house until it was ready and I was called back into my birthday wonderland.
It's almost like Christmas. I love seeing their wonder and looks of awe at me when they know I was behind it.

Why does love have to hurt?

2010-07-10T17:44:00.004-05:00

So the last time I talked to my dad was what, 3 weeks ago. Maybe 2. The point is I can't remember exactly. I can remember the day though. He needed me to drive his wife around town. 2 days after that errand had finished, he stopped replying to my texts again. He is pretty much the only think keeping me in Texas right now, and that is dwindling. When I initially moved to Florida in 2006 he moved to Texas a month later. That was the last I saw him until we moved to Texas to be near my Nanny.
With my mom, we have a great relationship. As long as we are not living in the same house, then it goes back to me being 16 again it seems. We talk every day and I really think she is my best friend. She is also the only person I would trust my children to for this long. (Ley was only at her Dads for a little over 2 weeks, and when I say her Dad's I mean she is at her Grans, and her dad visits every weekend.(And I have nothing against his parents. They are great, but the incident in when Ley was a little over 3 and I picked her up from a visit and she had a scab on her nose, and was informed "oh haha she fell down the (13) stairs, no big deal")
It's all accumulated this week. I havent seen or heard from my dad, I miss my mom and brother and my daughters, and I have a strange feeling about Loe's g-parents not having called or emailed in a month & 1/2. Loe's g-parents either call or email AT LEAST every other week. I haven't heard anything from them. I'm not scared they are going to try something with Loe. They do not have a ground to stand on for that. The only time they tried to see her since we moved in 2006, was, oh wait thats right, they always said they would but haven't. The only time they saw her is through emails I send and Christmas 2009 when we drove through. They send her cards (and Ley and I) birthday, Easter and holiday cards. A present on her birthday. But that's all the contact.
I don;t know. I know I will be in Florida this time next year, heat be damned. How do I deal with the disappointment of hearing my sister update her Facebook with posts about how dad said this.. and not have a single word from him?
My new favorite quote is from Alice in Wonderland. "If it was so it might be, and if it were so it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." (Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass Ch 4)

Peek inside my head

2010-07-02T11:46:00.006-05:00

Just a few little facts.

I don't like chocolate chip cookies.

I think Putin is kinda hot.

Now that I have 8 Russian channels on TV i usually have on some Russian show I can't understand.

But I still get excited when i recognize a word. Which is happening more frequently!

I miss my daughters. They come back in 3 1/2 weeks. I don't see how the other 'half' can go so long without seeing his child.

I am glad Loe's dad doesnt want to see us. He's immature and when he did see her he tried to use her as a prop and to try and hurt me. I would be too happy to never have to worry or think about him again.

The only thing I miss about my first marriage is his parents. They are awesome, and can cook some amazing food. I got most of my awesome recipes from them.

The only thing I miss from my second marriage is watching his dad play in a band at the bar and the cherries they would bring back every summer from Michigan

Bella, the mental puppy, has been dragging around the 3 left kittens around by their paws. They just roll with it.

Those 3 kittens, 2 female, 1 male are weird. The 2 females will try and ... breastfeed? whatever it is called that kittens do with mom cat. the 2 females will try and feed off the male. i will pick him up and his entire stomach is wet from them trying. He just lays there and lets them.

I am sleepy right now. I can't fall asleep at night easily and have to take sleeping pills. which then leaves me sleepy in the mornings, but i hate mornings anyway.

I still have my vivid childhood imagination. I also love Stephen King. And scary movies. I belive in ghosts.

This morning i woke up asking the girls if they want to go the park.. Then Bella jumped on me. :)

2 months without kids..

2010-06-25T22:37:00.003-05:00

So Loe has been at my moms since April 10th. It was a last minute decision because I didn't want her to fly alone and my sister was taking a small vacation to Moms so she went with. Ley went to her dads the last weekend in May and neither child will be back till the end of July. All so I could take summer classes at the college and not have to pay for daycare or summer camp. I was so excited. Finally some alone time. Yeah not what it's cracked up to be.

One silver lining though. Mom gets to do the 'Daddy Detox' with Ley. Every single time without fail, when Ley comes back from a visit with her Dad she is a mini monster. Crazy little thing who thinks she is 15 and the world should bow to her. Right.

The first weekend I slept. No the entire weekend. It was great. Now I usually wake up around 11ish except on Monday through Thursday which is when I have to be in class at 8 am. The house is clean. I am actually working on Loe's scrapbook. Now I am bored. I miss Loe so insanely much. The longest she has been away from me was March 2005, when I was in the hospital for 2 weeks having my gallbladder removed the first week, and the second week because After my first day home I had stabbing sharp pains where I used to had huge focused but not sharp pain.

I am sad to say I am used to Ley being gone. When Ex1 and I first divorced he actually took his visitation which was the 1st week and weekend and 3rd weekend each month. I still miss her, but I am desensitized so it. Loe not so much. She is having a blast though.

When I was 4 my Mom moved to Florida with us kids while my Dad was in jail. Me being the Daddys girl had a sneaky streak. According to Mom when we were at the store and I wanted something and she refused I would cry about missing Dad and she would cave until she linked my actions. Loe has been doing the same. The only time she cries for me is when she gets in trouble ('borrowing' a little girls new birthday present. She seriously took home with her a small toy this girl had gotten at her birthday party!) Ley wouldnt be able to pull that off, at her slumber party she couldnt grasp the concept of whispering.

Being without my children really isn't what I thought it would be.

And in this corner

2010-06-23T19:48:00.005-05:00

We have another tattoo! Yeah, my Mom hasnt stopped complaining yet. You'd think she would be happy considering she has both my babies AND took them to the Wonderful Monica and got their hair styled. I miss Wonderful Monica. I am tempted to buy the $300 plane ticket, just to go see Wonderful Monica. sigh.
Anyway, well now that I am getting into the hang of the summer schedule (ugh) I will be able to post more. Which is good because all of my notebooks has so many pages filled with pointless writing. You'd think i would be better at my English class than I am. I can write pointlessly all day about me, but making me focus onto "write a thesis statement that will surprise your reader, and be prepared to back it up with links" what? Really?

Well on a better front that my mindlessness I got a tattoo a week ago. My first refund money from school came, so i splurged a bit. the word is in Russian Живи which mean Live! (ex. Nye hochu zhivi, Da zhivi.... I dont want to live, Yes live.) The stars are a bit of uncertanity for me. I told the wonderful Tattoo guy I wante the 3 stars ( i will have a total of 7... more on that later)outlined with maybe a little shading, but not much color, but one pink, one purple and the thrid black. I couldn't watch. I tried, but oh my it hurt! Now that it doesn't, yes i would do it again (maybe something even effing smaller). SO here it is:Couldn't think of anything to do with my fingers, and it's backwards on camera, not sure how to change that! The secret meaning for me personally is.. The stars. One for my brother, one for Loe and one for Ley. My brother I want to help him with his life, and he has helped me so much.., The last two, yeah I live for my girls. Why have a total of 7 stars? (2 are on my other tattoo) Well its about my mom. I was going to have a tattoo saying faith on my foot, with 7 stars around it. Her email & any other thing she needs to sign in with a name is Faithwalk7. Hence the faith, and the 7 stars. BUT then I found out how much feet tattoo's hurt so i thought I could find something else. I have always wanted one on my wrist. Then I decided to split up the stars since I had 2 already and have LittleBro design the faith.
I can hide it will a few bracelets, and my watch.Can't remember if I have posted my first one. It's a cute sparrow and it has the first 2 of 7 stars on my left shoulder. Which yeah Loe points to her star and Ley points to hers. LOL though. They cant do that at the same time because they both think the top star is theirs!
The meaning behind this is.... Sailors would get a sparrow tattoo when they had traveled 10,000 miles (or another big number). My life a year ago when I got it definately seemed that way. I have moved physically 2000 miles, final divorce, going through half of the pain of seeing Loe's dad be an ass to her and finally cut us out of his life, my Nanny's death. To me, I have traveled 10,000 miles, mentally, emotionally. I love who I am becoming, and watching my daughters become.
Cough Cough.. K, I need to go set up my new internet now(!!!!!!!).

Ehhh

2010-06-06T19:52:00.002-05:00

Well, I am 31 now. I have had quite a few drafts ready to publish, but then delete. My birthday was the 5th and in a total suprise after helping my sister we rocked out!

My sister is a photographer and my cousin is getting married so Sis volunteered to do the photo's. Paid of course. So saturday she was doing the bridal pictures. I got to help! Granted yeah I was just a lackey helping bring the white screen things and running back to the bridal suite to get a forgotten something. but it was fun. I can't count the times she (and the Bride Danielle) apologized for me having to do this on my birthday. And each time i replied "Well the girls are gone, so i would be sitting at home doing nothing, and I am having fun". My cousin is a single dad the what has to be the cutest boy, and his fiance is amazing. I think it made a huge impression on me, that even though they were in a new relationship, she sat with him the entire time Nanny was in the hospital & died. The girl is awesome. Gorgeous too. So I had fun.

Then my sis (& her husband & our dad) took me to this Russian restaurant that I have wanted to go to since i moved here. Yeah I think i squeek a decible only dogs can here, and I have just stopped the spontaneous bouncing. I had the best meatballs & some tomato sauce, and bought (well Sis & Dad paid for) 2 shirts, a movie and a matroishka doll! I know!

I am missing my Loe something terrible. I had planned on going to Florida for the July 4th weekend, but ticket prices are way too high. She calls me almost every night though! Ley is at her dad's for another week, then she too will be in Florida. We did this mainly so I could take summer classes at the college, and to get used to the idea of being apart for 6 weeks for when I do my summer study in RUssia. Yep, not even in the Russian program yet I am already planning it.
I am going to try to post more. after next week when I have internet again that shouldn't be a problem. I do visit a few blogs when in between homework assignments in the library.

Letters from Pappy

2010-05-24T11:59:00.001-05:00

When I was 10 my dad was in jail for reasons unknown to me. We moved to Florida while he was still in jail in Texas. He was released a few years later and moved to Florida to be with us. He would write me letters on the back of Hershey bar wrappers. As I was going through my stuff to make a bit of space I found them, and here is one he wrote me:

Karen,
A thousand miles from my touch,
Is a little big girl I love so much.
As long as I can remember
she's had a smile on her face,
Everywhere that she is
Is a happier place.
The love I have for her
is always growing inside me.
I guess that's why I call
her my little sweet pea.
Someday another man
will be trapped by her love
that is so strong,
She will know when he comes in
riding on a mosquito 5,000 feet long.

No matter where I'm at or how long im gone, i love you more everyday. When I think of you a smile comes to my face and my whole life is made better. It's that way about all of you. I'll be home before Christmas
Love Poppers.

(The mosquito part is a song I used to sing when washing the dishes)

I suggest

2010-05-18T08:33:00.001-05:00

Everyone visit and read : This amazing woman
It's a 3 part, and that post is the first.

I know its been a while

2010-04-28T21:13:00.002-05:00

I have no excuses. Well I do, but it would be pointless. Ley has stopped the insane fits. I'm not sure what changed her, but i am not going to question it! Loe is registered for Kindergarten! I can't believe it really. They both have grown up so amazingly fast it hurts. She has a serious obsession with scissors. She will find them, hide them, and cut everything. Loe is currently at my Moms house for the summer. She left April 10th. Won't be back till end of July. We haven't been apart for longer than a week. It sucks. Major. Ley will hopefully be going to my moms when she gets out of school. I am trying (still) to find a job. The reason the girls will be at my moms is so i can take summer classes at the college. Hopefully I will be able to manage the split.

School is stabilizing. I had to drop my math, English classes. I tested out of my reading class. Still in history. Right now i have a B. One more class to go, which is my final exam, and then the semester is over. I am taking 2 summer semesters, English and Math for both, I am sure I will pass them. My only problem is deciding which Uni to transfer to when I get all of my general education classes. Though I will need to transfer before that because they don't offer and Russian classes, and I have to take a language. I do know I want to get my Bachelors in Russian. Majoring in Russia, minoring inn teaching.
It will either be UTA or USF. They both have great Russian programs, and great summer abroad programs. Arlington or Tampa. That is the question.
I have so much more to say, but the migraine I have is pulling it from my conscienceness. I will try to get back into a better posting rhythm. I will have internet soon!

Cheer fail

2010-03-10T15:33:00.004-06:00

Ley was doing a round-off and slipped. She fractured her elbow. We are going for the cast tomorrow. $600 I don't have, and Ex isn't willing to help with.

A year

2010-03-06T09:35:00.003-06:00

It's been a year without her. Our reason for moving to Texas. Our family glue.

When I lived in Georgia I used to say the only reason I would go back to Texas was for my Nanny's funeral. Well it ended up being almost that. We moved here in April 2008 after our Spring Break trip. After her 7th trip to the hospital my Nanny wasn't doing good, but she still had her attitude that permeates our generations. It was noticeable. She was on oxygen and (finally)quit smoking, and shook so bad. So I made an insane idea and thought about it the whole way back to Florida, and when I got Ley's report card 2 weeks later, I told them (the school) to shove it, and we moved.

We had almost a year with her. Every weekend, holiday, and even some days after school we saw her. Then in Jan 2009 she had to go back to the hospital. We visited as often as we could, but when the girls were sick we couldnt. With my luck the girls got sick, and their cough wouldn't go away, so I could only visit when someone else could watch them. Which wasn't often.

Then March 1st she was transferred to Baylor. The emergency room. Where she stayed for 3 days, and then was tranferred to a room. We visited her 3 times when she was in the emergency room. We all knew it was near. She was barely concious, had multiple pain patches along with an iv of drugs. On the 5th I got a call saying I need to get up there. Ley was in school and when I tried to call back, i got no answer. Finally around 1pm I pulled Ley out of school and we went. She was worse and we had to face what was going to happen.

March 6th at 11am I got another call. My sister was crying and said get up here, then she hung up. I tried calling her back, but she never answered. I pulled Ley out of school again and we went up there and she was gone. We said our final goodbyes and mourned.

I have so many regrets. I should of visited her more. I should of called. I wish my girls had more time with her. I still have these regrets and a few more.

First forced blog

2010-03-04T14:06:00.003-06:00

So since Ley has been going mental about once a day she has had her computer time knocked off for about 3 weeks. But she tells me (even though i was the one to tell her) that the main reason i made her blog was so she could write out when she got mad. Darn her smart brain. So today (she doesn't know yet) she will have half an hour to write a blog post and it has to include the rules she has and why she needs to follow them. Lets hope she learns something!

Awesome

2010-03-03T19:16:00.002-06:00

No like today I seriously had a great day. Only 2 hiccups, but they were minor.
It ran like clockwork (Ohhhh I just saw Clockwork Orange for the first time. I was staring into space for about 20 minutes after trying to regain sanity. Humm) from the very top. The girls got up the first time I asked, got dressed right away and we were off. On Mon, Wed, and Fri I have to take Loe to daycare (across town) then Ley to school since Ley's school is right near the college. Aside from the annoying layer of ice in my windsheild that wouldn't just easily scrape off (I mean really, I don't mind the cold as long as I get some snow, even just a light layer).

I got to class right on time, we did a bit of work and it seems relatively easy, and I got my test back (I hate fractions) and made a freakin 67 on my test from Monday. and Ok I skipped English because I didn't have a rough draft of the summary I am suppose to write. So after my morning classes I came home and cleaned a bit. Back at school again I got to class early so i finished reading the chapter in the book (Power of One by Bryce Courtenay) and filled out the journal we have to do for each chapter. I got a 100 on my test for the previous 4 chapters, and then went to my last class History. Now I am interest in History. Russian history. American history doesn't really entice me. But today the teacher was in great mood. Half the time of the class (which is us filling in the blanks on our worksheets while she lectures) was goofing off and her digressing off target onto other stories (including her acting out the teenage girls she used to teach that would try to flaunt their cleavage to the boys in class.

So then I rused to get Loe and we shopped and picked up Ley from her cheer class and thats that. It's nice to have a good day!

Uh oh she has gone global

2010-03-02T09:55:00.004-06:00

Ok so after days and days of me finding Ley on the new computer playing with the Photo Booth making videos(gotta love ILife), and a suggestion from someone at church, I finally caved and got her a bloggy site. It's going to moderated by me, but hopefully this will get some of her feelings out and she wont blow up as much. Hopefully. she told me last night what she wanted on her first post so I finished her page and put up her first post.

I should of known this would happen though. :) She learned to sit up by her dad putting a keyboard in front of her!

So without further delay I give you the insight of an 8yr olds mind:

reileyrei.blogspot.com

Anger

2010-03-01T20:11:00.003-06:00

Lately Ley and I have been on the rocks. The girl has teenage emotions that drive me nuts. Well ok it seems like it, i wouldn't really know considering she is my first and oldest child. The last blow out was last night. She was picking on her sister and I warned her to stop of she was going to go sit out. She kept it up so I sent her to her room, but she stood there in the hall yelling at me getting louder and louder each time. And doing the one thing I hate the most. Repeating the same damn phrase over and over. No matter what I said she kept getting worked up and louder.

Of course this would happen right as the closing ceremony for the Olympics started. Child better be glad I have a DVR though or i might of flipped out. I had to take her to my room (she has been sleeping in my room and me on the couch for multiple other blog post reasons) and lay her down on the bed. It quickly progressed to me having to hold her so she wouldn't go run and hit her sister.

Thankfully Loe stayed in the living room, but I could here see was upset. Ley kept saying so many mean and rude things about Loe. OH another thing she has been doing. We had a talk months ago about being rude. Now anytime I say something she doesn't like she accuses me of being rude. So ok back to last night. After 45 minutes of her yelling and me (surprising myself) staying calm my Mom finally got through to her and I left her on the phone talking.

Ley came out another half an hour later saying she was sorry and she wants to be a good girl, and from there she changed back into the Ley I know. I don't know where her anger is coming from, unless its genetic. I know the rage that can sometimes bubble up in me, but I have that under control determined she won't grow up with the same feeling. It's so exhausting doing this by myself, struggling, and surviving. I don't think I will be in Texas much longer. I was planning on going to UT at Arlington, but I don't think I can hold out that long not being near my mom.

Now I am off to study.

Little bit in my brain

2010-02-21T00:12:00.003-06:00

I have so neglected you and i am sorry. School work is insane and made my days and evenings quite busy. SO I am going to let you read the memoir that was my first major assignment in English. It focuses on my obsession for learning Russian.:
Three years ago I was living in Atlanta going through a life-changing event. My husband and I were getting divorced. Up until then I had mostly been a stay at home mom of two. I found myself searching for a job and a place to live to start over, working in day cares since high school I didn’t think it would be too hard to find a job. My oldest daughter was starting kindergarten and my youngest was taking her first steps. The first few weekends they were at their dad’s house and I was left alone, I almost went stir-crazy thinking about them and having nothing to do but worry.
Christmas of 2006 I finalized plans to spend 2 weeks in Florida with my Mom and Step-dad. Driving an eight-hour drive with two kids by myself was no small feat, although with this trip I found that driving at night with them asleep most of the way is a lot better than during the day. We quickly got into a routine of my Step-dad renting horror movies and he and I watching them while my mom sat on the couch hidden in her laptop after the girls went to bed.
Christmas Eve the girls went to bed early after ‘hearing’ Santa Ho-Ho-Ho outside their window. We started with a foreign movie we had accidentally thrown in with our pile of movies. The movie started right away into a battle scene, then a narrative began explaining the scene we were watching. Changing scenes the narrative stopped and the story started and the language was Russian. My Step-dad almost threw a fit over it not being either in English or dubbed. Apparently he doesn’t like reading his movies. I talked him into giving it a chance and he sat back and watched it, even though he still denies he enjoyed it, I could tell he did. The translation caption rolled and interacted with the scenes, bumping off screen, flying away as a hand went slashing by, and dissolving in water. It shortly became my favorite movie and I purchased it off eBay soon after we finished it.
The vacation ended and we packed up the car and drove home. The movie was never far out of my mind, and I couldn’t wait to watch it again. My now ex-husband would take the girls out still on his weekends and I found myself restless on my nights and weekends I had free. I enrolled in school, with that and my job; I was very excited to start having my free time occupied. The school I was at required me to take a lot of general education classes since it had been so long since I had graduated high school. Noting that I would have to take a language I almost instantly said Russian. My friends and Mom tried to dissuade me by telling me that Spanish would be better and would get me a wider array of jobs let alone the difficulty range. I politely reminded them each time about me failing Spanish twice in high school due to not even remotely liking that language.
I needed a to take a few pre-requisite courses before I could begin the Russian ones, but I found the book I would need and bought it to go ahead and look over it so that it might not be that hard when I started the class. I was taking two classes at school and two that were completely online. Midway through the semester my ex-husband and I started fighting more than normal and he had the internet cut off and I had to try and find a way to finish the online classes while juggling my job, the two at school classes and two kids. It eventually got to the point where he would stop watching the kids so I could go to class, so I had yet another bill for a babysitter to pay on my small salary. I ended up completely failing the two online classes, but passing the at school ones when the semester ended. I lost my job and had to call it quits and withdraw from school. Two months later I had to move to Florida and live with my Mom to try and start over again. My ex-husband put up no fight and off my children and I went.
Knowing it would be at least a year until I could get back into school if I didn’t want to pay double the tuition I kept the Russian textbook and went online to try and learn some of it myself. Thirty-three letters in the alphabet, a few of those change when in script, spelling rules, and genders of the words were the main things I needed help on. I made myself tests and finally got the alphabet and script down. I put up little flash cards and walked around saying words to try and pronounce them correctly. I found a few really good free websites to help me learn, and started on youtube.com to find music and would translate the songs I found I liked. It was really slow going and with trying to start over I found I had less time. Eventually it became too much and I let the book sit without opening it.
A month before we decided to move to Texas my youngest daughter was talking up a storm. She loves talking and would play on 3 different phones at the same time. One day when it was raining outside and the girls were playing happily in their room. I crept up to listen; usually when they are playing quietly it means trouble. This time I heard my youngest daughter babbling away, I couldn’t really understand what she was saying until my oldest daughter’s voice chimed in. “Say nyet Chloe, nee-yet.” Finally in the middle of a sentence she would say Nyet in a louder voice than the rest of the sentence was said in. I know I had found myself answering yes or no questions in Russian since I had started studying it, but hearing my daughters say it while playing themselves made me rethink putting away the textbook.
I brought the book back out, and started to make time, even if I had to stay up late, to learn Russian. After a long three years from watching an accidental rented movie I was learning. At each library I check the Russian section and have read a lot of books about the history and culture of Russia. I will be going to take a summer study in Russia after my second year in the program if I end up going to University of Texas. My daughters will still accidentally break out saying something in Russian, which confuses family, but entertains strangers. Especially when they hear someone speaking the language. . Now I am back in school, with a different aim though. I have started to work towards a degree in Russian Studies. Although what I do with that is still up in the air.

My grade was a 90/100. Yay!

Hey there

2010-02-11T23:31:00.001-06:00

I am working on a post, but i have been so busy it isnt finished. School, refunds, ex's not paying money, SNOW!!, its been a good week!

Another Apology

2010-01-22T22:29:00.003-06:00

Sorry I have been so missing. Lets list it to make it a bit easier yeah?

1. Ley has considered herself miss 17yr old and wants to live with daddy 'cuz daddy gives me everything'

2. Loe has started emulating her saying that and the 'i hate you mommy i want to live with gran'

3. The 3 week trip tp FLorida was hell/fun. Our last day my stepdad lost some money and thinks I stole $2,000

4. We came home with a puppy. She is pretty potty trained. The occasional wet spot or pile of crap, but the doggie door stays open so she is doing great... Till i found a pile of shit under my bed. Its a work in progress.

5. I started back in school. 4 classes. None online. Well None totally online. English and Math I have half online. Oh and I registered a week late, so atleast i do get make up the work without a penalty.

6. 4 chapters of FRACTIONS in math and a test on Monday, 1000 word essay due next friday in English and oh yeah can't, that's right CAN'T use a caculator. At all.

7. A migraine that hasn't stopped yet.

How's your week going? :)

5 years

2009-12-30T22:54:00.009-06:00

5 Years ago I was married to an idiot. Seriously. But It was also a wonderful day. After 3 months of the amniotic fluid being very low (Loe looked vaccum sealed) the doc decided to induce me 2 months early.

At 7pm we were at the hospital and getting prepared. Idiot was there, along with Ex1 (LOL just a little to make Idiot made and because he was watching Ley), Gparents were there and pregnant me of course.

It was really easy to tell the truth. They hooked me up to the pitocin and then the epi. (I don't give a damn what anyone thinks i love epi's. I got to enjoy giving birth... We won't go into that) My mom was on the phone telling me to wait 2 more days till the 1st.

The contractions were getting closer and closer and closer and her heart rate was decreasing just a bit.. But at 1:20am on Dec 31st the Doc said We're there. I only had to push 2 times and little LoLo was out. Screaming.

5lbs 6oz, 20in. she was gorgeous. and looked like Idiot. But oh well, he was a cute girly looking baby! When Ley saw her her first words were "beautiful". And that is actually the long version of the story!

From this gorgeous smiling baby day one:

To this funky girly girl who loves to play with cars in princess dresses, unique pre-k'er 5yr old Chloe Ayn

Christmas Eve

2009-12-26T22:38:00.004-06:00

Yes a little late, but i love it. We went shopping on Christmas eve (i know i think i do have a death wish LOL) for last minutes gifts. Ok ok for gifts. Stopping at Starbucks first because they have my favorite Latte. Egg Nogg! So Lets begin:

Loe with her 'Cappacino' a.k.a hot coco. Note the pirate band aid on her arm. No scratches or anything. It was the best gift she got and it was from g-pa.

Ley has that 'Addicted-to-Starbucks' look on her face while sucking down the same drink Loe has

No pic for me but i enjoyed mine. Happy Holidays!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-26T22:32:00.003-06:00

Cautious, this may be a little long. And full of pictures.

Merry Christmas... a little late.

So we started out in Texas at home. Getting a $20 tree, fitting it into my little ford focus, bringing it home and putting it up in a stupid screw in tree stand. By. My. Self. With a lot of help from Rei.

Then we got a call. Mom wanted us in FL for christmas and she was paying our way. So we decided to drive to GA and visit all those relatives for a few days then continue to FL for the rest of christmas. I pulled the girls out of school a week early. Oh well.

This picture explains it all. Loe and g-ma & g-pa played for 2 days straight! We had dinner and stayed the night there, (our first night was at a hotel because we got in at 430am) andhad a blast.

Then we were on our way to Florida. We went to visit our Orlando family. Unfortunately they got sick so christmas eve was at moms house with no tree. We got a $2 tree from target though! The girls are sprinkling magic reindeer dust Nana got for them.

They stayed up late and we got the elf on the shelf and the girls had a trip. Now its our first tradition. I cant wait for thanksgiving next year to bring him back out.

Ley even helped wrap gifts! Of course watching Santa's trip on Norad Santa and when he was getting closer she hurried off to bed.

So for Christmas morning. I will leave it to the pics, but needless to say they loved it!

B
D
C

Happy Holidays everyone!

Lost

2009-12-19T20:56:00.002-06:00

I have been without internet since we left Texas. Last saturday. I can't get my mac onto any of the wireless here so I am without all of my blogs I read. Huge pout session going on with me. We left straight from a cheer competition in Dallas to Atlanta. Right around the middle of the trip my overdrive went off. Cue gas mileage in a painful death. I had about 200 miles to go and not enough money with the way i had to keep filling up. We made it there in 13 hours. 4am. Spent about half an hour talking with the Puerto Rican/India hotel desk clerk who wants to go to Russia one day. Cue the me wanting to move back to Atlanta.

The following 2 days were spent with g-parents showering love on the girls.

Then on Monday we took the 8 hour trip to Florida. I will have to post on that later as right now I am watching the new Star Trek movie at my sisters house in Orlando on my moms laptop because i couldn't take it anymore.

I love each and every reader. Happy Holidays if i dont get a chance to go to your blogs and tell you so. Watch me in twitter since that is on my phone!

Claims

2009-11-27T19:41:00.001-06:00

I will get my girls a good christmas.

We will not have just a light tree, we will have a real tree.

I will get this done damn it.

I will.

Stable

2009-11-09T17:02:00.002-06:00

Just when i thought everything was getting steady and things would be working out and life was getting easier i get fired.
I had a nocall/noshow in July (it was my first day at home on the job and didnt have the numbers to call to call out) and a write up for using emergency time off (because the daycare is a bunch of idiots) and a final write up because i wasnt using callers names enough. So the final write up was the last straw even though my boss stated I kicked ass at all of my other stats.

Damn it is all i am going to say. I was getting housing (which should still go through) and child care help (which i dont know about since you HAVE to have a job to have) and i would of been able to buy actual things and still have money for food.

I was actually relaxing a bit. Maybe that was the problem. I am not allowed to relax?

Real quick

2009-11-06T19:35:00.003-06:00

Ley Cheer

More to come

The girl, the boy, the story

2009-11-05T21:23:00.000-06:00

Ok so i met a guy. Have I said anything about him on here before? Well anyway:

So we met on myspace. He has children and is divorced. Lives in the same town as me and apparently his children go to the same child care as mine. We have been chatting for a few months. I might of said something on twitter about his 'ex-girlfriend' texting me to not text anymore. He says it wasn't him so whatever. Anyway so i got tired of blowing him off and putting it off and finally said ok i have 530-730 meet me at the cheer place and lets do this.

He did. We did. :D

He is cute and sweet and very nice. We talked for about half an hour i think and then he had to leave to go get his kids. He gave me a hug (sigh) and left.
He did text me later to tell me that he thought I had beautiful eyes.

And as of right now, thats it. I text back thank you and since then i am back to my text when text to. Sigh.

And now 2 days later, he has made a few comments on myspace, but nothing to me. I sent him a text 'Sorry we didn't get a chance to talk much Tuesday, if you would like to get together again let me know."

So now it is in his court. Why do I want to date again? My insecurities are flairing up right now.

Being a Parent

2009-11-04T00:15:00.001-06:00

Weird how somethings seem to go together like in a TV show.

Today, this morning while driving home from dropping the girls at school, on the radio was a discussion about ugly children and how they are treated at daycare. One woman who called in said she 'of course' treated the ugly and dirty children differently because "They need to learn now how the world works". This woman still works in a day care. Me being an insecure all around person wanted to go back and pick the girls up. I think my daughters are gorgeous, but am i biased?

(Loe on the left, Ley on the right)
It took me forever to have them at a school without me actually working there. Ley has grown up with being able to run across the building into my room. I am forever thinking and going over scenarios of what could happen to them.

(Sorry my train of though stopped there, but if i think about it I will get more pissed about the previous conversation I heard on the radio)

Forever (the past few days) i have been thoughtful. The relationship between mom and friend. When Loe gets mad she says "I am not your friend anymore" and after telling her that isn't nice I tell her I am her mommy first and then her friend. How do you draw the line and keep it consistant. How do i put aside my longing to be her friend also and be mother first? Granted when we are in public and its a throw down the answer is easy.

Why do mother daughter relationships have to be so complex?
~And as for Heros I am on season 3, and I liked Sylar when he was killing people more.... but I may be weird that way.~

Trapped

2009-10-24T17:41:00.004-05:00

Ok so I have a legitimate reason. Really. See I got this free 8 day trial to Netflix and all. Yeah, I am so past the 8 days and happily am continuing on to a full membership. Why you may ask. Well see yeah they don't have that many movies, well they do just not that interest me. I can see all the Russian flicks I want. But the thing that has trapped me is a tv show. I know right. I have been staying up until 3am every night watching Heros. Seriously. Stop laughing.

I mean a couple of the guys are cute and all, but how have i never caught this on tv? I even stopped watching CSI Miami. I know. My DVR is full of shows that i have set to record (HA and even the new Heros), that I have been putting off until I finish this. I am on episode 15 on season 1. Yeah you read that right. Season. One. How many seasons are there? Why are there so many episodes in 1 freaking season?!?!?!?

Yeah. Sorry :)

General Laziness

2009-10-18T12:46:00.002-05:00

I have been slacking on a lot of things lately. except for work. That I have done my 40 hours complete last week and the week before. I have been holding out and refusing the get-off-early emails they send out. I wish it was a 'busy season' in their eyes. They would offer overtime. But no, just calls back to back and not being able to breathe until the end of shift.

I have a guy interested in me. Yeah its not so much reciprocated though. He is cute. He is a single dad on myspace. We were talking a few months ago and then out of the blue i get a text saying to not text again because he has a girlfriend. I back off, even though i thought were talking as friends, but whatever. Then a month, i think, ago he texts me and i ask about the last text and he says it must of been his psycho ex. Hummm. Ok, but i still keep it as friends, and he wants to get together. Ehh. I still keep putting him off, but I don't quite know why.

I am working more on Russian. I have really been slacking on that and I hate it. I constantly say the Russian word or try to think of what this word would be in Russian, and not studying it has been killing me. I wish the college here had Russian classes.

Cleaning house has been a continuous struggle. I am trying to get the girls to pick up their cleaning habits they had and somewhere I yet again slacked on and they dropped. I applied to go to this college and applied for financial aid. I got the financial aid and have made a million calls to the school, but yet have heard nothing on acceptance yet.

Most saddening of all, I have been slacking on reading all the blogs. I have barely had any internet time, but to get any of it i stay up until 2 am sometimes. well Actually I need to go work an extra shift I picked up today. I will blog more I promise. Don't give up on me!

What could of possibly, maybe, might have been

2009-10-12T22:40:00.003-05:00

Yeah, ok so about 2 years ago (holy crap 2 years) I was in FL and being a general single mom. I got an email on facebook from a gorgeous Russian guy and we hit it off. Yet me being my insecure self put off meeting him and put it off and put it off. Then on the night we were going to meet finally, I bailed one more time to insecure with myself. At party on said night that he wasn't going to go to so he could meet me, he met another girl. 2 years later, they got married.

Now maybe nothing would of went anywhere between us, but damn. He was my ideal man. Russian. Cute. Smart. Sweet. Tons of other things. Yet I sabotaged it because I thought he wouldn't like me even though he had seen a full pic of me already.

So now. Now I am tired of missing things, I am tired of passing things up. My little brother/personal trainer is going to help me and damn it i will get where I want to be. I will actually work to better myself. I will eventually find another man, Russian man, and it will grow from there.

He looked amazing in formal wear. And she looked equally amazing beside him.

My obsession ~ мой навязчивая

2009-10-08T21:22:00.002-05:00

Russia ~ Russian ~ Россия
Sigh. I revolve around it.
It began in 2006 as something to take my mind of Ex2 so that i would do that instead of making a mistake by saying something to him when Loe was sleeping. It has grown since then. I read the history, watch the movies and am currently trying to learn the language.

I really don't know how it has blown up so much. The girls both love to sing in Russian. Granted when Ley does the majority of it is made up. They can both count to 10, and say quite a few words. Me? I can say a ton. My first sentance being 'Its not a book, it's a pen.' I know right! Freaking awesome.

I read stories of people living in Russia and i imagine and dream about being there. I feel such a pull to it now, it's insane. I think I have more Russian songs and videos than English. Now it has been such a force in my life that any time the girls see something relating to Russian they point it out.

Well at least it's not something harmful yeah?

Maddie Maddie Beautiful Maddie

2009-10-02T20:41:00.003-05:00

Ley was coloring on the chalk board a few minutes ago and she said "Look Mom"
I did and there were a million M's in so many colors surrounding one huge M. I asked her what is it was and she says "Well duh Mom its a M for Maddie, you remember Maddie don't you" Yeah baby I do.

Maddie

&
Always remembering her

Peek a boo

2009-09-26T00:45:00.001-05:00

I am alive (i'm sure you know if you follow me on twitter). Life has been kind weird but I am working on a post... It will be up soon.

Promise. :) You all rock! I heart you all!

Privacy

2009-09-19T18:15:00.003-05:00

I have the strongest urge to make this blog private. It may have to do with Ex1 is a computer geek ( I do have a strange attraction to them) and the fact that after having this blog for so long but only now, now as in this past week, do i see that someone from ATL has been viewing it. I have nothing to hide. I just don't feel like everyone I know hearing me.
When we were first divorcing he gave me a link to a blog he had that was linked to a forum. Stupidly i followed it and found some of the threads being about me. Not nice or even insulting. One was how all these different guys were plotting my death. I am sure it was not a real threat ( I am still alive)but really? To hear him say I was a shitty mother but even still he wouldn't take Ley from me and how much better he was. Yeah there was a reason we divorced. Ley was first for me. Not him. I'm straying, sorry.

I am not going to do it. I am not going to worry about anything I say on here. I have put so much into this, when i do finally get my own website I will need mental help getting it all transferred. (the day I can get a .ru ) I did put twitter private for a day or two, but changed it back.
I do want to have a good relationship with him, maybe if he reads this maybe instead of getting upset or mad at me he will try to see where I am coming from.

Custody

2009-08-29T18:53:00.003-05:00

I have finally decided to get full custody of Loe. It has been 3 1/2 years since she has seen her SD. I have been talking and visiting with her Nana (SD's Mom) since the divorce and they have been longing for a visit with her. 3 years later I think I am ready to let her stay with them. But there is no way in hell I will let her go back to GA and stay a week with them without having full custody. So I am finally going to go to courts and try for full custody. Thankfully I do it where the child resides, which is here in lovely TX. Yay. During this I am going to see if I can have her last name changed also, but if i cant have his wiped completely off hers they I will hyphen it.

Topping this all off I am going to finally take Ex1 back to court for child support. He will try and chat me up when he is horny (even though he is married), but when I ask for child support he ignores me. He, ugh we wont even go into him right now.

Wish me luck.

I may be bad at math but uh

2009-08-25T18:52:00.004-05:00

I think something is off:

08/24/2009	OD CHARGE	$38.00	$-463.31
08/21/2009	NSF CHARGE	$38.00	$-425.31
08/20/2009	ALL ABOUT KIDS WEATHERFORD TXDEBIT FOR CHECKCARD 8238417649	$55.00	$-387.31
08/20/2009	NSF CHARGE	$38.00	$-332.31
08/19/2009	LA PLAYA MAYA WEATHERFO WEATHERFDEBIT FOR CHECKCARD 8238417649	$28.00	$-294.31
08/19/2009	NSF CHARGE	$38.00	$-266.31
08/18/2009	ARBY'S #5854 00058545 WEATHERFORDEBIT FOR CHECKCARD 8238417649	$6.24	$-228.31
08/18/2009	NSF CHARGE <----	$38.00	$-222.07
08/18/2009	NSF CHARGE <----	$38.00	$-184.07
08/18/2009	NSF CHARGE <----	$38.00	$-146.07
08/18/2009	NSF CHARGE <----	$38.00	$-108.07
08/18/2009	NSF CHARGE <----	$38.00	$-70.07
08/18/2009	NSF CHARGE <----	$38.00	$-32.07
08/17/2009	SHELL ServicePURCHASE FROM DDA	$20.33	$5.93

So after the gas station I had 5.93 left. Now I understand that the Arbys went in a day late, and it has its own NSF fee, along with the mexican ( i was sure I had more in my account). The daycare fee was suppose to come out on the 15th. No biggie. I understand the NSF fee for it. Its the 6 NSF fees when I still had $5 left. I didn't have any place decline my card, and those were the only 2 places (and Arbys was the day before)I'm not disputing the NSF fees that have a charge going with it. Just those 6. and now an OD fee. Can anyone explain this to me?

Relativly

2009-08-22T00:13:00.003-05:00

Good to be me. I love my job. My new (as in 4 weeks) boss ( i was transferred after I got out of the last training) went to bat for me because of the mix up and the no calls on my schedule. She got them wiped clean and I don't even have to pay penance! All because of me kicking butt at my job! I know right?! Who knew doing my best would pay off!

Ok so I am a little drinky right now but hey its been a rough week.

OHHH

2009-08-18T17:52:00.002-05:00

Check me out! 2 things on the left. Heck yeah!

Sorry but you guys make me happy.

Fear, phobia and myself

2009-08-15T01:07:00.003-05:00

I don't know why it has been so hard to write lately. I have several posts still in draft. Work has been going great. Has been. At the beginning of the time for me starting this job i had a nocall noshow because i didn't know the number to call because I couldn't make it. Of course i signed the paper that said if i had another i would be fired.
I have tried to pick up extra hours, but most of them had failed due to the hours not being open anymore. When that happens we get an email saying it failed. So i have quite a few. So i decided to clean out my inbox. Then yesterday I check my hours and see i have a nocall for 2 hours of an extra shift that had failed. I worked my regular shift that day though. I KNOW it didn't go through before clocked out my last day of work. I am praying and hoping and trying so hard for them to change this so it isn't nocallnoshow. I really love this job.
Ley has been thriving. She loves school, and cant wait till the new year starts. Me either frankly. On saturdays when i work (i work from home) i have been paying Ley to 'babysit' Loe so that I don't have to pay the extra for a sitter. Ley gets $10 to spend however she wants. She is doing awesome at it also. I am just a knock away and she gets to spoil Loe to keep her happy and quiet. Now if i could get her to do this all the time.
Poor Loey. She had to get her vaccinations updated this week for PREK. 4 shots. This was Thursday. That night she woke up throwing up, had a slight fever all day, and asked to go to bed at 7pm. She is so excited for PRE-K. She gets to go to school like Ley and with a backpack and all.
I think i have been sabotaging my life. I have had several date invites but have found reasons to decline. I put off doing things, make excuses to not go along, and withdraw from people. Even now I don't want to post this. I want to click save and close the page. I need to get past this and I need to do it now.

Oh Em Gee

2009-08-08T19:15:00.002-05:00

You have no idea, but I really am doing a little dance right now in between typing.. So of course are the girls. I just finished looking through my twitter archive because I have been so busy and I found the approved stamp from the most awesome woman! WOO. No seriously, I am excited!

Ok.. Thats all.. Sorry it took me so long!

8 years

2009-08-04T00:05:00.005-05:00

Its been 8 years since Ley's birth.
8 years since I was so carefree.
8 years of changes, extreme changes at some point.
8 years of loving someone more than myself.
8 years of worrying for someone.
8 years of doubt, am I doing this right? Am I raising her right? Am I messing up?
8 years of such intense love for a child that at times has screamed in my face.
8 years of a complete life change.

She was late for her due date and early for the induction we planned. It was an awesome birth and I was saying I can't wait to have more barely 20 minutes after. She didn't want to cry, just look around. I got to hold her for a few minutes and due to her headstrong showing so early they had to take her to NICU since she wouldn't cry. 4 hours later I had her in my arms again.

She was born at 5:32 pm. So after I finally had her back we took a nap. Yeah. Then woke up at 6 am. With the nurses almost screaming at us about needing to feed the baby that was peacefully sleeping still. I went off (seriously don't yell at a new mom) on the nurse and got a new one. This was our first child now, unless there was an alarm or she cried we were not going to wake. She never cried. She finally woke and we proceded to start the new life.

That was about the whole of her being a baby. So quiet. I eventually started waking her, and noticing little noises she made when she was hungry. The first day, well evening home, I was giving her a bottle. My mom noticed something while she was reading the can of formula. The concentrated type. Yeah. I didn't know it was concentrated. That could be why she is so smart :)

And so began the life of my now 8yr old. Reiley Ayn.