I have talked with Ley multiple times about being a bully and being bullied and seeing someone bullied. 3 different scenarios. 3 different reactions. Then discipline possibilities. My problem was trying to figure out how to talk with her and make sure she continues to make the right decisions and not be afraid to talk with me (or an adult) about it if it flipped and she started to be a bully. Let me start over.
First lets get the obvious easy out of the way. Ley with her little sister at home is a commanding boss, but is amazingly protective of her anywhere out of the house and my sight. She is the same with any other child. Which I find even when I am not around from notes from her teachers and casual conversations with her classmates parents. She is a cheerleader who cheers everyone on and really from the heart wants to be friends with every body.
The 3 scenarios are we all know 1- Ley being a bully, 2- Ley being bullied, 3- Ley seeing someone else being bullied. The 3 reactions are 1- Saying nothing, 2- Fight back, 3- Tell someone/speak up
Then discipline. Ugh, that tends to make any child want to clam up.
So our talk pretty much goes along these lines:
About her being bullied:
If she is being bullied she would speak up. She would tell someone, she would let me know. She would tell a trusted friend and adult. She knows that no matter how bad it gets and no matter what they say I will hear what she has to say - hands down no blame get to the bottom of this first. I still worry though. Even with her being all cheer, I can use that as a verb, she is shy at times. She accepted such extreme fights from her friend the last month we were there just because the only other neighborhood kids were boys. I had to block pretty much all contact with this little girl with us either being gone all the time or the house extremely full because when we were home, even if Ley told her no she didn't want to play, she would play with the kids next door and taunt Ley. So I brought my cousins 3 daughters over every single chance I could and there was no shortage of quiet. None.
About her seeing someone else being bullied:
Well this has happened recently. One of her newest friends was being bullied by some kid that I don't even remember the back story. Ley stepped in and grabbed her friends hand and told kid that they had to go to the office so if he wanted to come with or "would he like her to call the doctor". (My god I love my child)Apparently there was another classmates parent walking up a connecting hallway the same time and caught it when Ley stepped in. The kid looked confused when she said the Doctor bit. :D So I have no doubt of her looking out of others.
Now the hardest of all. Her bulling.
The problem is the punishment. When we talk about it i try to say "you know, you can tell me". Then of course later in the conversation I say (it usually ends up after we have talked about a teen that has killed themselves over being bullied) I would end her internet, cell, cheer, anything fun, etc., she would be in so much trouble if she bullied someone. But then I stop. I tell her I want her to tell me if she has, but that she will get a punishment. Of course she will, i'm not going to lie to her. It's just then it pops into my mind,
shit, did I just mess this all up? If she does this will she hide it from me even if she regrets it because she doesn't want to get in trouble? I know I would of when I was a teen.
And this is where I am at. I tell her truthfully. How do I make sure I make the right choices in the words I choose when we talk? I know full well that what I say to her goes straight to her sister because what her sister wasn't sitting in with, she will talk to her about. How do I make sure I am doing this right?
And then I go to open house and find Loe punched a boy in the face because he was making fun of her.. Full circle I have come.
First lets get the obvious easy out of the way. Ley with her little sister at home is a commanding boss, but is amazingly protective of her anywhere out of the house and my sight. She is the same with any other child. Which I find even when I am not around from notes from her teachers and casual conversations with her classmates parents. She is a cheerleader who cheers everyone on and really from the heart wants to be friends with every body.
The 3 scenarios are we all know 1- Ley being a bully, 2- Ley being bullied, 3- Ley seeing someone else being bullied. The 3 reactions are 1- Saying nothing, 2- Fight back, 3- Tell someone/speak up
Then discipline. Ugh, that tends to make any child want to clam up.
So our talk pretty much goes along these lines:
About her being bullied:
If she is being bullied she would speak up. She would tell someone, she would let me know. She would tell a trusted friend and adult. She knows that no matter how bad it gets and no matter what they say I will hear what she has to say - hands down no blame get to the bottom of this first. I still worry though. Even with her being all cheer, I can use that as a verb, she is shy at times. She accepted such extreme fights from her friend the last month we were there just because the only other neighborhood kids were boys. I had to block pretty much all contact with this little girl with us either being gone all the time or the house extremely full because when we were home, even if Ley told her no she didn't want to play, she would play with the kids next door and taunt Ley. So I brought my cousins 3 daughters over every single chance I could and there was no shortage of quiet. None.
About her seeing someone else being bullied:
Well this has happened recently. One of her newest friends was being bullied by some kid that I don't even remember the back story. Ley stepped in and grabbed her friends hand and told kid that they had to go to the office so if he wanted to come with or "would he like her to call the doctor". (My god I love my child)Apparently there was another classmates parent walking up a connecting hallway the same time and caught it when Ley stepped in. The kid looked confused when she said the Doctor bit. :D So I have no doubt of her looking out of others.
Now the hardest of all. Her bulling.
The problem is the punishment. When we talk about it i try to say "you know, you can tell me". Then of course later in the conversation I say (it usually ends up after we have talked about a teen that has killed themselves over being bullied) I would end her internet, cell, cheer, anything fun, etc., she would be in so much trouble if she bullied someone. But then I stop. I tell her I want her to tell me if she has, but that she will get a punishment. Of course she will, i'm not going to lie to her. It's just then it pops into my mind,
shit, did I just mess this all up? If she does this will she hide it from me even if she regrets it because she doesn't want to get in trouble? I know I would of when I was a teen.
And this is where I am at. I tell her truthfully. How do I make sure I make the right choices in the words I choose when we talk? I know full well that what I say to her goes straight to her sister because what her sister wasn't sitting in with, she will talk to her about. How do I make sure I am doing this right?
And then I go to open house and find Loe punched a boy in the face because he was making fun of her.. Full circle I have come.
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