Great man gone.

Ley's Grandpa is one of my most loved people.  Even throughout what happened with me and his son, he still treated me as one of the family (well the whole family did).  He accepted Loe as one of his own grandchildren.  One day he was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Over 7 years ago. 1/3 of his lung removed.  A year ago he was diagnosed with brain cancer.  Apparently it happens quite often that it moves to the brain.  Last week he had to go to the ER because of pain. Everyone thought it was the end.  His Doc said the cancer is the same size, he just had a stroke, so its not the end.

All week I went back and forth about going for a visit just in case he didn't make it to summer to see Ley.  I wanted to see him also, it had been since 2009 since I had.  Saturday May 4th 5am Ley and I packed up and drove to Atlanta. We got there around 2pm and met up with everyone at the hospital at 5pm to visit him before dinner. 

6pm he was awake enough for Ley and I to go see him.  He was smiling, remembered me, talked and told us how happy he was we came to see him.  After about 10 minutes we went to the waiting room with the rest of the family to give others a chance. 730 they came in and told us we all need to go in the room.  As we walked down we thought -and joked about, that we were in trouble for being silly (and we had brought the dog to see him).  As it turned out even though they gave him a good bill of health and he was just talking to us, he was die-ing. They had turned him to check something out and his breathing slowed.  

With all of us around him he peacefully slipped away.  It happened so suddenly.  I. i'll write more later, for now I need a bit more time to process it.

Baby in the hospital

Loe is in the hospital. Three days ago she was complaining about her ears hurting and not being able to hear from them off and on.

Yesterday she was throwing up almost every half hour. She had nothing in her stomach.

Today she was lethargic sipping barely anything, eating nothing and had a high fever. When it got to 102.6 I was even more worried. I gave her ibuprofen and waited. When it still didn't go down and her thermometer broke we went to the pediatric emergency room..

WOOOT!

Just heard from the doctor. In and out but she was great asking my mind and letting me know what happened and checked it and found the cause and eased out mind and made Chloe happy.

Tummy virus. Two words that suck but some times can be great

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After all that, her stomach still hurts daily.  Gran thinks it might be an ulcer but the ER wont do anything about it.  She is going to be seeing her new Doc next week.  Eating has returned to normal though. 

Mourning something not lost.

I think I've figured out most of the funk I've been in. I helped raised S's youngest daughter H since I moved in. S wasted no time in having me babysit constantly. And I truthfully had no problem with it. I only charged her when she went to work, not when she dropped off H so she could run to the store, or to get some extra sleep. I even took H and E over nights. (hell when they were both taken away by DCF then given back S left BOTH of them with me for a week and a half.)

It's been a year last February that I've lived here and not counting since December to now, I was watching H starting in early April. Now she won't even let the girls come over to play. S has both girls back in her custody. A week after E left my house the last time she was given back to S.

It sounds weird and maybe it is, but I helped that baby learn to crawl, to say momma, to eat, she was 5 months old when we first met but she was WAY behind. Couldn't roll over, hated tummy time, could barely hold her head up. I miss this girl. Is that wrong?

I would NEVER do anything insane don't get me wrong. But like yesterday I almost cried. I came back from dropping my girls off at school and when I got out H ran to my car (I looked at E Nd she was smiling so I think she let her run over) wanting me to play, then after E had gotten her H ran back trying to come with me again.

I guess I'm mourning the relationship we had. I hope S can get over whatever she has against me so I can babysit again. :(. Any advice?

Getting over it

It's hard to actually get past a hurt. Maybe more so since I tend to obsess over other things. That fact that I tried to do what's right and was sucker punched basically. Over and beyond the boundaries of friendship and still screwed by said friend. Then there is also she lives two doors down and we park in the same lot.

I just keep going over and over what happened and what was said and wish I could turn it around. Then worry what's wrong with me that this happened. Then mad at myself for blaming me. Then I bundle all that up and stress over my kids. Ley lost a friend, Loe had two months of bad attitude at school; only now she is getting better.

My house is clean though. Which speaking of, I have to go do laundry while Ley is begging me to rub her back. Being an eleven year old is so rough. o.O

Untitled because I couldn't think of one.

Wow. It seems so much has happened since I last blogged-but-didn't-post. I finally cut ties with the neighbor who's child I was fostering. That's a whole other post though I can't get the feelings up right now.

I've had to change depression medicines. Not sure it's helping yet, but time will tell. I am currently in the middle of spring cleaning. I don't like cleaning but when I do clean its everything. My living room currently has 6 big huge Tupperware boxes filled with the kids toys some separated, some to be separated and others to be donated. I have already gotten 6 bags of clothing ready to donate. I can't believe we have all this stuff. And I'm not even to my room yet :D

So for now I'm going to finish off this glass of wine and watch the avengers and try to go to sleep (even though this will upload in the morning when my internetz is turned back on). I'm sorry I'm a crappy blogger right now. My resolution is to get better ( and stop relying on apple auto re-spelling my words) at this and a few others which I am actively working on too!

In the morning then.